So I’m at the point where I need to either loose weight or buy a mumu. You know one of those large dresses that cling nowhere. Like I feel like I am cutting off my circulation trying to squeeze into the close that are way too tight. So of course when I lost weight before I had the bright idea to donate my clothes to a battered womens shelter as I grew out of them. I started at a size 22 and I went down to a size 10 so I donated lots of clothes and shoes. At the time I was thinking, “you can’t regain weight if you don’t have clothes to fit in”. So I was more than happy that I was able to give the clothes away. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS I kept of pair of “fat” jeans. They are a size 16 and are the only ones I can actually fit into as soon as the size 10’s became tight. So here is my problem all the clothes I have are nursing scrubs, one pair of jeans, and one pair of sweats. That is all that I can fit. So everyday I look like I’m pretty much always just getting off work. I have been trying to avoid buying new clothes at this size. I don’t even know what size that is right now. I just know it’s somewhere between not a10 and not a 16. So I am at the point where I either need to really get serious about loosing weight or to invest in some mumus.
Not a thin girl is back..and still not thin 06/22/2010
So I’m back now. I’m ready to get back on track…………….
So here I am back at the same place, with not as much to loose but with just as much frustration. So last year I joined spark and I went from 260 pounds to 169 pounds. It was a fun journey, I had more energy and it was nice to be closer to my goal. Then pretty much out of nowhere I had someone very close to me die suddenly of septic shock. It was pretty gruesome way to go, so it hit me kind of hard. Then I had an ovarian cyst the size of a baseball that had to be removed because it was cutting off my circulation (very painful), then mix that with the stress of my final year of nursing school and raising 2 small children. So I started going through a bad depression, and I started having bad anxiety. Long story short went to doc and got some anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds. They helped with the anxiety and the depression but I never felt satisfied with food. I was always hungry! At first it was okay because I hovered between 170 and 180 for about three months. Then woke up one morning and I was 190, then most recently 210 . But the problem with this medication, and yes weight gain is a side effect, is that it makes you so mellow that you loose that ump and that motivation to really want to loose weight. So that’s the problem where I should be running around working out and swearing off sweets, I’m still always hungry and like, “hey I’m only 210, not a big deal I’ll have more cake”. But I really enjoyed being thinner and I want to go back there. So despite feeling always hungry right now I’m gonna do it! I’m tapering off the meds, so that should help with my appetite. I think I will go walking today.
So even though I’m back here again, I will do it. I will loose the weight I regained and finally hit goal. This time around seems like it will be harder. But I am up for the challenge.
You are losing weight because you have cancer…
Yes believe it or not that was actually told to me by a family member?!?! What do you say to that? So I was talking to said person, and I get the “how much do you weigh now?” comment that I’ve been getting a lot lately. I say 173 pounds I haven’t been on the scale in weeks. That’s how busy I’ve been. At this point i am beyond busy. Anyway that before mentioned person apparently didn’t believe me and tried to tell me that I was about 130 pounds. Umm no, I think I would have a better idea then some random guesstimate from a family member. So apparently since I’m a liar or delusional. This family member, now remember this is immediate family the only reason I’m not saying who is because it would make the situation seem even more crazy, then precedes to get a scale and make me weigh myself. Even though I was reaching the point of being majorly annoyed. I got on the scale, and it said 169. So granted i was 4 pounds off, but I haven’t been on a scale in two weeks. Waking up at 5 am to be at the hospital at 7 in the morning leaves no time to mess around with the scale. Then once again I get the same question that I got from the doctor that time I went about my anxiety(read back a few posts to see what I am talking about). This family member, she hits me with the, “are you trying to lose weight?’ What? Huh? Oh here we go again! So i say I am trying to loose weight. But lately I’ve been kinda slacking, no exercise and eating fast food often, well very often(Burger kings angry tendercrisp sandwich should be my new name). So even though lately I am a little off I am still mindful of my food choices and such. But apparently that comment wasn’t good enough because then she asks me if I got my MRI done yet (back when I had to have emergency surgery the docs recommended that I get an MRI on my pelvic bone because there are some scars/lesions there). But the doctor said it could just be normal from when the bones were growing, if it was serious I would be having lots of pain in the area. But they wanted me to schedule an MRI just to be 100%. So granted I haven’t got it done yet. The only days I have free are Monday’s and I haven’t even had a free one of those in a while. But back to the story. So i tell her I haven’t gotten the MRI yet, and she goes, “you are losing weight because you have cancer, you know cancer can cause weight loss!”. I just have to lol at that one. Sure not diet, not exercise but cancer?! WoW who knew?! Now if that’s not frustrating then what is? That’s just the most recent craziness that’s been going on in my life. I’ll be back later today to fill you in on what’s been going on while I was gone. Thanks to those who still visited in my absence.
Day 33: 52 to Brand New 09/02/2009
Finally an update about my weight and my progress!! Whoo this has been the month to end all months. I’ve been thrown curve balls left and right. You know that saying, “if it’s not one thing, then it’s the other”? Well if it’s not one thing, it’s about 3 more things that will try to throw you off track and send you heading in the opposite direction. My favorite quote, “Ever forward”! That’s what I’m trying to do, keep moving forward, getting up and keeping it moving. So I took my measurement and weight about 3 days ago but I am just getting around to posting it. For those that don’t know 52 to brand new is my challenge just to track how long it takes me to loose my last 52 pounds. So here is the information:
Highest weight: 260
Current Weight: 175
Pounds lost during 52 to brand new: 7
Total pounds lost: 85
Waist: 34.5 (1 inch difference)
Muffin top waist: 39 (.5 inch difference)
Thighs: 25 (1.6 difference)
Arms: 13 (.7 difference)
hips: 40 (3 inch difference)
Under breast : 32 (1 inch difference)
Chest : 35 (same)
Neck : 13 (1 inch difference)
Total inches lost during 52 to brand new: 8.8
Highest BMI: 43.3 Obese class 3, Morbid Obese
52 to brand new start BMI: 30.3, Obese class 1
Current BMI: 29.1, Over weight
Reflections for month: Didn’t really work out like I should have, even before the emergency surgery. Right now I am on restriction for about 2 more weeks. I’m not supposed to do strenuous movements or lift over 10 pounds. My Doctor told me to remember that I have had major abdominal surgery. My diet has also been hit and miss. I was doing good food wise before a lot of the drama. However for the last 2 weeks of this month it’s been pretty hit and miss. Having two servings of ice cream a day is not good for you even if it is diet ice cream (during the first 2 weeks). So even though I lost 7 pounds this month, it could have been much better with more exercise and a better diet. Some high notes are that I wore my first pair of size 10 pants to clinical, with a white shirt tucked in! I can’t even remember the last time I have been this small so that was encouraging. I really really really need to get back to exercising. My stomach which looked pretty big before, looks even worse now. I’m sure that is due to the surgery and now infected sutures post surgery. But if you have visited my sparkpage and seen my stomach shots, just image a body looking even more crazily proportioned. I’ve lost the most inches on my hips this month. I can’t wait to really start losing my tummy! After surgery I was joking with my doctor. I asked her why when she was in there removing a base ball sized cyst did she not just go ahead and give me a tummy tuck. That would have been nice. So my new goals for the next 30 days:
Eat better (more veggies)
Get at least 8hrs of sleep
Slowly get back into working out
Hopefully start dropping some inches on my stomach!
My car hates me and possible sabotage 08/04/2009
Yesterday was a very long day and I came to the realization that my car actually hates me, or possibly thinks I hate it. I got in the car and hit the little electronic controls on the side to move the seat up and it would not move. My boyfriend is much taller than me. So the car was so far back that I couldn’t even reach the pedals. I heard the motor buzzing but the seat would not budge. I got out the car and tried it without sitting on the seat, and the seat moved like a breeze. So either my car hates me or thinks I’m fat.
Yesterday also started a 8 week challenge on spark. I actually uploaded pic in just a bra and panties. I know! Crazy! Shocking! I can’t even think about the pic without feeling embarrassed. I couldn’t even imagine doing that at a heavier size.. Besides being weirdly shaped, my stomach is covered in stretch marks. But that’s how serious I am about getting fit. I was so serious that day that I wanted a good before pic. I needed something to motivate me. It’s easy to avoid my stomach in day the day life. It’s as easy as not looking down, and skipping full length mirrors. Both of which I’ve gotten use to since gaining lots of weight. It took a lot of guts to upload them, and I’m trying my best to fight the urge to remove them. I haven’t even looked at my photo album on spark since I uploaded them to my spark page. Hopefully me a few months from now they will make good before shots.
One a different note, and I really hate to say it but, yesterday I felt like I was being sabotaged. It was so weird. I told my boyfriend I joined an 8 week challenge on spark and I was trying to figure what I should set my goal as. So I said I was thinking about pledging at least 16 pounds, just to make it a challenge. He gets mad and says, “YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOSE ANY MORE WEIGHT” and then turns the music up in the car. I was thinking, what the f*ck?! I didn’t even say anything back because I didn’t even know what the heck that was supposed to mean. Lately he has been walking around the house calling himself fat and all that nonsense. So maybe that’s it. He claims he’s back up to 295 pounds. Also every time we go around his family they comment about my weight loss and tell him he needs to do something about his weight. I know how that feels, so I feel his pain about that. But years ago when we first met, he called me fat and told me, in so many words, that he wished I would loose weight. I was 197 at that time, so you can imagine over the years as I gained up to my highest weight I always had that, “I don’t like fat girls” comment in the back of my mind. At that time I didn’t even think I was that “fat”. He even told his family he was dating a fat girl, so when I met his cousin for the first time she was like, “you aren’t even fat, I don’t know why he said you were fat”. Somehow we made it pass that and we’ve been together for at least the last 5 years. With both us steadily gaining weight. So I guess since we were both trying to loose weight together, and he just stopped. He may feel like the tables have turned. But back to the story. After we got home that night I told him, after putting the kids to sleep, I would go going to the track to do some laps. So I put the kids to sleep, then put my exercise clothes and shoes on. Then as I’m looking for the keys he is like, “you should just stay here, If I was you I wouldn’t go walking on the track at night. “ So I’m like “I’ll be safe. There are lots of people on the track at night”. But then all of a sudden I couldn’t find either set of car keys. He said he placed them on the kitchen table but they weren’t there. I told him he was the last one with them, but now they are lost. I spent 30 mins looking for the car keys, then got frustrated, and decided just to work out at home. But it’s no space in the bedrooms to do it in front of the television and he was watching TV in the living room. I was so pissed that I just went to sleep. I spent my first day of my 8 week battle doing nothing exercise wise. So that sucked, of course in the morning both sets of keys were right in the living room, wtf?! Now I’m not saying it’s sabotage but it’s pretty fishy. Today is my daughter’s fourth birthday so I should go back to avoiding the cake in the ice cream.
Should not want 08/01/2009
So I’m in need of new nursing school uniforms. I wish I could have them altered but I’m not even sure if it is possible. My lab coat is a size 24, I was a size 22 when I brought it. I brought it big to allow for bending over and just a comfortable fit. The size 22 was snug, and no patient wants a nurse taking their blood pressure or given them injections while she’s busting out of her uniform. These uniforms are pretty expensive, they have to be brought from a certain store because all the nursing students have to look the same. They don’t even look like normal scrubs. They are white, and the top is made like a button down shirt. I hated them at a size 22! I honestly felt like a moutain of mashed potatoes. At that time was into the slimming effect of black. But here I was being forced to interact with patients, doctors, and other nurses in that white nightmare. I’ve been wearing them throughout nursing school(a year already). I haven’t even tried them on now, because I’m now a size 12. I’m still pretty strapped for cash, and I had to pay almost 200 dollars just to buy two pairs last time. So I’m thinking maybe having them altered might be cheaper.
It will be interesting to see if anyone notices my weight loss in the nursing program. People where commenting during the year, But when we went on break in april I was 220 pounds, and the pants looked baggy then and the top looked tent like. Now I’m 40 pounds smaller than that, so who knows? I know I might get the inevitable question, “how did you do it?” I will say it was just watching what I eat, and trying to get some exercise in. I will usually direct them to spark people.com . Which is a free site for diet advise, support, and motivation. Having the support of others that have the same amount of weight to loose can be so helpful. At over 260, or really even now, it’s hard to relate to someone with just 20 pounds to loose. That is unless they have already lost a lot of weight. I think it is especially important if you are in an environment that is not conductive to weight loss. I think the most important step for anyone is to be their own cheerleader. If we aren’t going to do it then who will? It breaks my heart when people are upset about losing 1 or 2 pounds for the week. We need to celebrate our achievements no matter how big or small they are. I know the feeling, at my highest, losing 1 pound meant nothing at all. Because I had struggled to loose the same 5 to 10 pounds for so long. I know that’s not the way it should be though. We have to motivate ourselves. It gets hard because with gaining weight sometimes a lowered self esteem grows right along with it. Well I know at least for me it did. Being obese, ore even morbidly obese like I was, somehow makes me people feel they have the right to make comments/suggestions about your weight. Whether it be random strangers, friends, or family. The thing that would get me was, the comments weren’t even motivational. Having someone tell me I really should or needed to loose weight would do nothing but depress me. Then of course as an emotional eater, it would then lead me to eat. Having people say you are throwing your life away, or you just need to stop eating hurts just as much. I know most had good intentions, but if they had any clue into weight issues they would know that it isn’t just that easy. I can’t even count the times that I wished it was that easy or that simple. Sure it is pretty much, calories in and calories out but it doesn’t get down to the basis of why we eat. If you have a food addiction or you are an emotional eater then it is much harder than simply not eating a doughnut. I beat myself up so many times thinking I had no willpower or I was a failure because I couldn’t stay away from the pizza or snacks. But now I realize it’s much more than that. I plan on using this blog to try to come to the basis and evaluate why I did what I did. I also hope to get insight on how I was able to change those behaviors. There is no point in losing 130 pounds (which is what I would have lost once I hit my goal), if I haven’t solved the basis of why I do or did what I do. I would be sure to gain it all back.
As for current weight loss, I am still loosing weight but I am still not working out again yet. I’m letting mother nature run it’s course till Monday and I should be back on track next week. That brings me to another point. I was reading the August issue of shape magazine yesterday. They had an article in there about how we should not say should in relation to the things we need to do for reaching our goals. For example I need to stop saying, “I should work out today”. I should be saying, “I want to work out today”. Supposedly with replacing “should” with “want” it triggers our mind into thinking it’s something we really want to do and it gets the momentum going. Usually we don’t mind working towards the things we want. However when we say, “should” then it feels like an obligation or chore. No one likes to do chores or feel forced to do something! So maybe that can really help with motivation.
Day 1: 52 to Brand New 07/30/2009
It’s official today marks the day I finally reached 182 pounds. Depending on who you are you might be thinking, “wow girl lay off the cheeseburgers!”, or “I hate you, you skinny b*tch”. But regardless this is coming from a girl that thought she would never weigh anything below 200 pounds. From here on out I’m going to keep track of the days it takes me to loose my last 52 pounds. I will weigh in each week, and do monthly measurements. I’m calling it 52 to Brand New. I’m been in search of Ms New Me for a while now. I’m not sure how long it will take me, but I guess I will find out. I don’t even want to put a time frame up because it could lead to disappointment, which turns into feeling like a huge failure. In the last 7 months I have lost 55 pounds. So maybe that’s how long it will take going forth. I’m not really sure because my desire to workout has went from about 75% to a good 10%, and that’s being generous. I’m not even going to lie and say today I’m going to work out. Because in all honesty I am not. I think I’ll spend the rest of the night watching old t.v. shows on Hulu. Right now I’m watching my way through The Outer Limits. Yeah I may not be a thin girl, but I’m somewhat of a geek. Today my diet has been horrendous if not nonexistent. It’s not even what you may be thinking. I have not been snacking, and I don’t have said cheeseburger in hand. I haven’t eaten much of anything all day. Don’t worry I’m not on a 2 calorie diet or some other crazy nonsense. It’s just that my fridge is pretty bare of healthy items, unless you count condiments and processed cheese slices. I currently have 2 tubs of ice cream. One is of cookies and cream, the other banana split, which both fall under the milk group, and possibly the fruit group. But I doubt that counts as healthy. There is also ice cream cake in the freezer. So if I wanted I could load up on sugar, I could but then my next post would be about how I was gaining weight and not losing it. Tomorrow is Friday, and thank goodness a pay day! So I will be going shopping then. Now for my official weigh in for my 52 to Brand New:
Highest weight 260
Current weight 182
Pounds left to lose: 52
Total pounds lost: 78
Waist: 35.5 inches
muffin top waist 39.5 inches
thighs: 26.6 inches
Arms: 13.7 inches
hips: 43 inches