Not a thin girl……Yet

The story of how a not so thin girl goes from 260 to 130 pounds!

Playing with fire 09/02/2009

I started this as a weight loss blog and I’ve been posting about everything but losing weight for the last couple of posts and the trend continues, well at least right now. Today I woke up feeling 100% better despite all the crap I’ve been going through. For the last 3 days my eating has been off the wall. The night I found out my grandfather died, I went out at 9:30 at night brought a 12 pack of Ultra lite, and some fried chicken, and a bottle of hot sauce. I ended up eating one breast doused in hot sauce and drinking 3 beers. Speaking of emotional eating, before I even left the house I at 3 diet candy bars(they are high fiber, low sugar but taste so good). The next day featured more hot sauce, beer(2) and friend chicken for dinner, after eating fast food for lunch. Tonight hasn’t been much better, Chinese food for dinner but no alcohol. The bad thing is I have no appetite. I have just this empty feeling, that I am just mindlessly eating to fill. I thought I was over that, and beyond the emotional eating. Granted I’m not binging like I would do in the past. I haven’t crushed a whole bag of cookies, or a thing of ice cream in one sitting. I’m just eating stuff I normally wouldn’t be eating. Does it make me feel better? Nope, not at all. If anything I felt worse after eating the crap, because I know its wrong.  But each day is a new day, and a new start. So tomorrow I will do better, I will try.

This morning I woke up in a fairly good mood. I had a good breakfast, a cup of green tea and I got a lot of cleaning done. My psych clinical was canceled so I didn’t have to go to class or the hospital today. Instead we were told to find an NA meeting or an AA meeting to attend. Tonight I went to the AA meeting and tomorrow night I have to go to an NA meeting so that I can compare and contrast the two formats. So I am wondering will it be as interesting as the AA meeting. We have to do this is in an effort to gain insight into the whole process before we come into contact with addicts and such during psych rotations. The big thing with doing rotations in the psych hospital is to check your own judgements and feelings at the door. So I had no problem going to a meeting. I have come in pretty close contact with addicts and substance abusers in my life so I have a negative feeling about addiction and recovery. Honestly I don’t believe in recovery. show me a recovered addict and I will show you someone one step away from a drink and a hit. But I went to the meeting, because it’s not about how I feel about it. Its about how the patients feel about it. Well I think it’s great that people are getting help, and want change. I’ve just had too much experience with that relapsing addict. During the meeting I felt kind of weird at first because I had such negative feelings about the situation. I also kept getting stared at. When it was my turn to “share” into their discussion about pride, humility, and serenity. I talked a little about it, then I told them I’ve been through a lot lately. I told them I just had emergency surgery, I just lost my grandfather, who felt more like my father than my own dad, and that I had just started the hardest year of my nursing school. I also told them I have been dealing with my stress and emotions with alcohol. I didn’t say I was an addict or pick up those chips they were passing around or anything like that. But I didn’t want to sit there like a bump on a long, so I joined in their discussions. The stories’ the men and woman shared were very interesting. Even though a lot of them relapsed a lot  I didn’t feel the same bitterness and negativity as I did when I went in with. I found them inspiring because they were trying, even if not succeeding.

Most of the stories I could relate to personally or with my experience with dealing with addicts. But on a personal level I felt like it related to my current spiraling. I won’t say spiraling out of control but more playing with fire. Starting to drink again, and knowingly emotionally eating is a slippery slop for me. I know for a fact that I was a food addict in the past. The simple act of eating a cookie was enough to get me “high”, sometimes one would do. But most of the time I would find myself back in the kitchen no later than 10 minutes. I was that snacker in bed. Before going to sleep at night I would have my doughnut sticks as my reward for a hard day. If I felt sad, I ate. If I felt tired, I ate. I really didn’t even need an excuse to eat. I ate despite being stuffed or full, or not even hungry. It was my addiction. For me alcohol and excess food were like both cut from the same cloth. If I was having some beer then I just HAD to have my two bag of chips, pack of m&ms, beef jerky, and some other candy. You know you got it bad when you make sure you have backup snacks in the house just in case you run out and you NEED to have some more. So I’ve come a long way, but this past week I’ve found myself playing with fire, and not just craving alcohol but feeling like I NEED it. Not just craving bad for you food (I swear these diet candy bars taste just like Pay days and Snickers with just 1 gram of sugar), but feeling like I NEED it. I’ve also been so snappy, moody, and an all around b*tch. That’s why I have been limiting my time of LJ and Spark because the littlest things have been setting me off. But that is sooo not like me usually. Like in the last post I mentioned that I went to the docotor about my sutures opening up and drainng all over the place. But you should have heard the argument I got in with the docotor. I have NEVER talked to a medical professional like that before in my life. She told me she didn’t see any drainage while see was wiping the suture with some gauze. Of course all she had to do was turn it over and look at the brownish greenish crap on the other side. But before she had the chance, as soon as she said she didn’t see anything I was like, “Are you serious? Did you even finish medical school? If you can’t tell this is infected then there is something wrong with you. take a look at this suture, you see how nice and closed it is. Now look back at this one, big gaping wound with pus drainage, and it’s smelly. If you think that’s normal then you need to find a new profession” What a b*tch I was, poor lady! She said she didn’t mean it wasn’t infected she was just talking to herself while she was doing her assessment. But needless to say my little rant had her shuck. I won’t even continue with the rest of the conversation but lets just say before I left the office that day a supervisor or attending or whatever she said she was came in with an attitude just as bad as mine. She said her piece while rolling her eyes continuously at me and stormed off. Just as a side note this was not my normal Doctor or the Doctor that did the surgery. These were new people I had never seen before. Despite the pain I was in or what i was feeling at the time, my behavior was inexcusable.  I just had no patience or tolerance for nonsense that day. I guess I was so short tempered with her because I had been having such a bad experience with Doctor’s lately. So you see I’ve been really short tempered lately. I need to get that in check fast, you can’t be in this profession and not expect to have situations where you HAVE to turn the other cheek. Where you HAVE to let stuff go. So I need to take a big woos-ha now and get over it all, and just do what I have to do. So that is my confession, I confess that I have been eating bad for the last 3 days. I confess that I have been drinking for the last two days. I also confess that I have been displacing my feelings. Instead of being all sad and mopey I’ve been a B for not good reason at all. I confess that I don’t have all the answers. I also confess that I am still a work in progress. I really believe we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge so I am acknowledging my current flaws. While I’m not fully off track, I am zig zaging all over the place. All I can do is try to do that right thing each day.  I will strive to make each day better than the last.

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R.I.P Papa, I love you 08/31/2009

Filed under: Day to day life,health issues — notathingirl @ 8:38 pm
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So today pretty much sucks. I went to the Doctor and my lovely sutures around my belly button have opened up and are infected. At least its only one of the sites from the surgery. I really think they should have avoided the belly button region anyway. But tomorrow I have to return for some antibiotics and for them to close up the smelly hole that is about an inch from my belly button. Also while at the Doctor I found out that my grandfather passed away today. I’m not really sure how someone passes away while on life support. It doesn’t really make any sense to me. Just yesterday we were told his status hadn’t changed. But I guess tomorrow I will get more details. Everyone was all crying and upset on the phone so I couldn’t really understand what they were saying. It was crazy cause when my uncle told me I was like, “well can’t they do something”. I mean really with so much technology how does someone go in for a routine procedure and dies about a week later. I’m pretty sure an investigation will be done, because that’s a pretty unexpected way to go. Dumb ass doctors should have not changed operating rooms during the surgery. I really wish I would have spent more time in June with him. I should have just stayed down there in Florida till nursing school started back, instead of promising to return during the holidays. It just seems so unreal, like I might get a call and they will say they were able to revive him or something. But of course that call will never come. I’m just trying not to think about it really. That never ending week from hell just keeps on going.

 

An end to that never ending week? 08/28/2009

Filed under: Day to day life,health issues — notathingirl @ 10:55 pm
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Saying that I have been busy would be an understatement. Even though this semester of school I’m only taking 12 credits (previously taken 15 credit hours) I still seem to just have so much to do. I haven’t even cracked open the text for my psych nursing yet. I’ve just been feeling pretty down. So usually when I am reading its usually something for pleasure as opposed to try to retain some information for a class. I picked up THE RICE MOTHER from the thrift store for just 95 cents and it’s pretty interesting. It reminds me a little of the JOY LUCK CLUB, or other books my Amy Tan. I much rather read that then my American Public Policy. Man that book is so dry, the class is interesting but the textbook reads like stereo instructions. I forgot about the pharm-cal test that they give at the start of each nursing semester. I took it on thurs, and drum roll please, failed it by one point. I really thought i passed it, boy was I wrong. I should have passed it with flying colors. At this point I can do dosage calculations, and IV drip rates with my eyes closed. I’ve been given injections long enough to know the various types, and procedures. I also didn’t have any problems with the drug classification section. I’ve been on antiemtics all week so I know that things like Zofran are used to treat nasuea and vomiting. Even people who have never set foot in a nursing class can list at least one NSAID like Motrin. That morning I even skipped the narcs so that my head would be clear enough to answear the questions. But my instructor was being a biznitch and took off points on every single one of my calculations. Not for me getting them wrong, I had all the right answers. But because I didn’t put gtts/min, ml, gr, g behind the answers. Why didn’t I do something so simple? Simply because it was already on the paper! WTF I didn’t think we had to put it there if it was already next to the blank space. She was trying to be funny. She was like how would I know you didn’t mean gallons per min. WTF when doesn’t an IV drip at drops per min?  She drives me crazy. Yet I kinda like her, lol.  I like her honesty. I like people who are real. She is very real. Even if she is a little crazy. The very first day she told us how her son tried to kill himself twice that week. He took like 60 pills of Wellbutrin. I thought I was candid, but she takes it to another level. She has even been an inpatient a few times at a psych hospital herself. Even though she is mean, and fails people left and right. Her story of her life made her seem less like a mean person, and more human. The craziest thing she’s said so far was that as a CNA she punched a patient in the face for spitting on her and walked off the job. I would never expect to hear that from an instructor at a university. She talks about Dr. Phil a lot too. She claims going on his show changed her and her daughter’s lives. After reading the transcript of the show, I think she does handle situations better. i just find it kind of curious that they let her teach psych, even though she has known psych issues.  There are at least 15 people that have failed her class and are taken it again this year. So I have mixed feelings about this lady. I think I feel drawn to her because I am going through so much right now.

I try not to even think about my grandfather that is in the hospital. Its so crazy how sudden things can happen. Last Friday he went in the get a catheter put in for dialysis. Even though he does have complete renal failure, the last time I saw him he looked so well. It was just in June, he was playing with my children, and he just reminded me so much of how he always was. It was just last year that diabetes damaged his kidneys so bad that they stopped working. Before that he would get out each morning to volunteer, took care of his self, and was so full of life. When I saw him in June, even though his kidneys were shot he still had that spunk. Since he lives far away, and I was only staying a week but i promised I would be back down the first break I had in nursing school. That would have been this November. I never thought that he might not make it to then. So as I was saying when he went in the hospital Friday to have the catheter put in he was fine. During the operation to put it in, they had to use the ER room for a serious operation so they moved him, DURING THE PROCEDURE to another OR. We are told the surgery went okay, and my grandmother said he was talking and supposed to come home the next day. Instead she gets a call that he has a raging temperature, and low blood pressure. The doctors claim that they don’t know what is causing or could have caused his infection. On weds we found out they changed rooms, breaking the sterile field during surgery. The give him four antibiotics because his condition got much worse. He became completely unresponsive, and they cannot get his temperature down. Yesterday he went from just being in ICU in critical condition to being placed on full life support. His skin also started sloughing off, and the doctors say they don’t know what’s causing it. They did a biopsy of the skin and are waiting for the results. So possibly if they know exactly what he caught they can treat it properly. I really really hope they can turn things around. I cannot even think about him passing away, because he means so much to me. He and my grandmother live very far from the rest of the family, and if something happens to him my grandmother will have to return to live with one of her children. I can just imagine this must be an impossible time for her. Some of my family were able to fly to be with her, I really want to go too. But the school made it clear that by law we have to have so many hours of clinical hospital time. So we cannot miss more than 3 days in the whole program, or you cannot graduate. I thought about going down for the weekend but this Monday I have to have an MRI, to check on those bone lesions they found. If he doesn’t get better by next weekend I will fly out there to stay for a few days. I’m just so thankful that my daughter got to spend more time with him in  June. I flew her down to meet him for the first time when she was only 2 months old, and she had been there at least twice a year for months at a time visiting so she had become very attached to him. My son got to meet him for the first time in June. I know its a part of life, and everyone has their time to go. But right now it just seems so unexpected, he was doing fine before his surgery on Friday. I didn’t even get to talk to him before he went because I was in so much pain, from my own health problems. When I say this has been a never ending week from hell, I’m not even joking. But still each day I have to go about each day acting, “normal” for the kids, my boyfriend, the family, my classmates, my teachers. I don’t want to be a complete stick in the mud or a complete downer. Today in the psych hospital I really wasn’t feeling it. We where watching a video on the dangers and warning signs of NMS which can be a deadly side effect of anti psychotic drugs like Haladol and every time the video mentioned someone dieing or having to be put on life support i had to wipe tears from my eyes. Thank goodness it was dark in there, because behavior like that isn’t really apprioate in that situation. I’m hoping that since this week is almost over, my never ending week from hell is over and things will start to turn around. I have been in less pain lately. I also really wanted to post the pics from my surgery but I can’t find the charger for my digital camera. Anyway this is getting way too long so I will end it here. Next week will be a great week. I puting it out there, sending positive thoughts out into the universire. So that they WILL come true. Next week will be a much better week.

 

Thanks for nothing Doc! 08/17/2009

Filed under: Day to day life,health issues,Weight issues — notathingirl @ 9:27 pm
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So I finally mustered up the courage to speak to a doctor about my anxiety issues. I’ve been suffering from some sort of anxiety for a while now. It peaked during my time in college(well my first time in college, cause I’m still there ha!). When I lived on campus I would have anxiety attacks if I had to eat in the huge cafeteria without someone I knew. I even went through it in high school, but it was easier because I would just not eat then. But in college when most of your meals are supposed to be furnished through the caf, having anxiety attacks upon entering the huge space with all these students I didn’t know would send me off into full blown panic modes. I would start to sweat, heart would race, and I would feel sick to my stomach. I’m not really sure why that is. Maybe I felt everyone would be like, “hey look at that overweight girl siting by herself in the caf, ha ha she’s going back for seconds, wait thirds!” So if my friends weren’t going, then neither was I. Well since my college mates schedules’ did not revolve around mine, it led to a lot of eating alone in my room. These sessions were usually pizza pies, followed by hot wings, not to be outdone by chips, candy, and soda. Now of course I don’t live on campus and I’m not even a traditional college student so I don’t run into those problems anymore. So now my anxiety has manifested itself in the form of driving. Whenever I’m on a highway bridge I freak out. The bad thing is where I live I am surrounded by water. You pretty much have to go to a tunnel/bridge to get anywhere. So since my anxiety seemed to be getting worse. I thought I was doing the right thing by seeking help. So I called the doc and made an appointment. When I get there the nurse asks me what is wrong, and I tell her I have been having really bad anxiety whenever I have to drive through tunnels and on bridges. The nurse goes, and I kid you not, “So you aren’t having vaginal irritation?” I’m like, “What?! No! Anxiety, I called and made an appointment about anxiety”. So she tells me that on the paper it says something different. Stupid making appointments for the wrong reasons receptionist! So I was completely embarrassed as she began to put away all the equipment that a doctor would use for such things as a pelvic exam back with an attitude. I guess its my fault that the receptionist mistook, anxiety attacks for a sexually transmitted disease. I should have took that as a sign to get out of there quick. But I didn’t so the nurse left, and in comes a student doctor/intern. He was kinda cool, he asked such probing questions about my anxiety. I was almost brought to tears because I felt like finally I would be getting relief. So he said he would be back in a minute with the doctor. So I lay back on the table and try to get some rest. I hadn’t ate or drank anything all day because I wanted to get blood work drawn, like cholesterol and lipids while I was there. So the doc comes in with the student. I describe my feelings to him as I’m driving over a bridge. I tell him that I start sweating, heart racing, tunnel vision, nausea, and just a really bad feeling to the point where I just want to pull over on the side of the road.  He says,” it sounds like you are having panic attacks”. Well okay doc i kinda figured that out for myself. Then he says, “I won’t prescribe you any meds, because I think you can deal with this on your own”. I tell him for the last year it’s been getting worse, and each day of the week I have to cross at least one tunnel if not two to get where I have to go. He says, “too bad there isn’t a public transportation option that you can partake in, what about having friends or family drive you where you need to go” Okay now I was getting annoyed. So I should resort to being some freak show that has to driven around by others. I tell him at least two of my family members where almost killed in tunnel accidents, and maybe that is why I am freaking out so much. He says, “maybe but…”and looks like he is thinking. I already felt vulnerable, and a little nutty for admitting that I was having anxiety problems. Even though I know it runs in my family. But this doctor was making it worse. Little did I know it was about to good from slightly annoying to downright insulting. Then doctor what ever his name was (my doctor is on vacation and he is a stand in), suggested that maybe my anxiety was linked to depression and that if I lost weight I wouldn’t be as depressed, and therefore would not have anxiety. So I tell him that hey doc I’ve lost at least 81 pounds. He then asks me If I did it on purpose.  That one caught me off guard. How the heck does one loose 81 pounds by mistake? I tell him I of course wanted to loose weight. I told him I went from being morbidly obese to being right on the obese/overweight line for my BMI. He looked pretty unbelieving, and wanted to know what I did. After giving him a rundown, he told me that If I lost more weight i would be less depressed, and I would feel better. Mind you I never once said anything about being depressed. He then asked If I ever thought about killing myself or if I had problems sleeping at night. So I guess within our little 10 min chat he was trying to peg me as suicidal too. Then he said maybe if I talked about my feelings with a therapist my anxiety would go away. Since I hold no Phd, I say sure I’ll try that thinking that he will give me a name or somewhere to start. But he wouldn’t even give me a number or a recommendation.  He suggested I contact my insurance company and ask them for names of local docs because it all comes down to them. So he was no helpful at all. I wasted my time, and I felt even worse afterwards. So I’m going to call a therapist anyway, just to see what one will say. I figure it couldn’t hurt. But I’ve never come across a more annoying doctor. He’s up there with the doctor that suggested I try walking, when I came in for a yearly physical before I started to loose weight. Thanks doc, I know I was morbidly obese,but I sure never thought walking or exercise would help. Thanks for the breakthrough! Oh and thanks doctor no name for suggesting that my panic attacks where due to me being depressed and suicidal about not being a size 0.  Thanks for nothing!