Not a thin girl……Yet

The story of how a not so thin girl goes from 260 to 130 pounds!

Pain, Pain, and More Pain 08/25/2009

Filed under: Day to day life,health issues — notathingirl @ 7:54 pm
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So my never ending week from hell (which is still continuing) all started on last Wednesday. I was going about my day like any other but I around 2pm I started having this nagging pain in my lower stomach. I didn’t think much of it, kept cleaning up the house and trying not to think about it. Around 4pm it was more like a stabbing feeling that would not go away.  It was so painful that I could not even stand. I laid down in bed and I started thinking about my grandfather on my mothers side of the family. He passed away in 2003, but for some reason he was on my mind. Apparently it was foreshadowing the fact that my grandfather from my father’s side of the family would very soon be fighting for his own life. But anyway I was laying in bed thinking of my grandfather completely mad at myself because as he was slowly dieing of lung cancer I wrote a poem about him. I wanted to get a chance to read it to him before he passed, but I never got the opportunity because I did not know he would be dieing so suddenly from an accidental family induced drug overdose(long story), as opposed to lung cancer while I was away.  So I never got to read it to him, and I hadn’t read the poem since I wrote it. I had a copy on my old computer but it crashed. However I thought I might have saved it on a disk somewhere in my keepsakes. So i was mad that I couldn’t find the disk, and couldn’t remember the poem. After laying down for an hour and the pain not going away, I slumped into the living room, laid on the couch and whipped out my laptop. I searched all over webmd for what might be causing my pain. I didn’t want to run off to the emergency room if it was going to be simple. The search came up with everything from a kidney stone to a ruptured appendix. So I decided to take some Motrin, I took about 800mg(doctors usually prescribe that much after surgery, normally most people take 400). I waited 30 mins and the pain was worse, and then I was nauseous. I threw up twice in the bathroom, and my side hurt even worse. I felt like I was in labor or something the pain was simply indescribable. I called my mother and asked could she drive me to the hospital. I couldn’t even stand on my own, let alone drive. So she picks me up and we head to the hospital. When we are exiting the highway(we choose to go to the hospital about 45mins away because they have much better care) I had to throw up again. So there I am on an exit ramp, with cars zooming all past me throwing up on a guard rail.

When i get to the hospital the triage nurse took me immediately to the back. I was so shocked because that has never happened to me in an emergency room. I felt like I had won the lottery or something lol. They took me straight to lab to draw blood and start and iv. By 4am that morning I had had a cat scan, an external ultrasound, and an hour long (most painful experience) vaginal ultrasound. I had received about 10 doses of diluadid (a narcotic), lots of toradol, lot of anti-nausea medicine and I was still in so much pain. The verdict was that I had a baseball sized cyst on my ovaries and lesions(like scars) on my pelvic bone. I freaked out because I was like what could have caused it and a cyst 10 by 10 inches was pretty big to be in that area. The kicker was i had just had a normal pelvic exam 3 months ago. So they said they weren’t sure, and that I needed to follow up on the bone lesions because its common in patients with cancer that has metastasised to the bone. So of course I was scared to death, they sent me home and told me to come back in office for an MRI. Freaking insurance, none of what I was going through warranted an emergency room visit in there book so I had to get out of the emergency room. So they gave me more anti nausea medication, some Vicodin, and Motrin to take until Friday(the next day) when I could get into see the doc. I was popping pills round the clock and I was still in so much pain. By the time I made it to the doctors office on Friday all I could do was lie in a fetal position on the examining room table. I had another vaginal exam, this time i was in so much pain the mere touching of my stomach had me screaming. They told me to leave and go back to the emergency room. They didn’t know if the cyst was causing the pain, they didn’t know what was going on.

Once I made it to the emergency room I was admitted in the hospital, got another jacked up IV, and was informed I would be having abdominal surgery. My temperature was skyrocketing, and my blood pressure dropping. They gave me 5 bags of potassium. At one point the drip rate was set too high on the potassium(change of shift nurse messing with IV pole) and the potassium started to burn my arm. It normally will burn just a little while going in, but it was burning so much i couldn”t move my arm. I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore, I couldn’t even wiggle them. I started screaming, and my arm felt like it was on fire. I’ve felt a burn from certain IV fluids, but never light someone had just ignited my arm with some lighter fluid. I almost pulled the IV out of my own arm, that’s how bad I was freaking out. The nurse came running in and turned the potassium back down and had to restart the IV in another arm because my arm was swollen. It is still very bruised and sore to this day(4 days later). When they started the new line, they gave me a Dilaudid pain pump. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. When I finally got to sleep at 3am, some genius came in and told me they needed more blood. They couldn’t take it from the IV line because I was receiving more potassium there(maybe from all the vomiting, it was so low). So he tried twice in the other arm. Finally he got it .

Around 10am the surgeon came in and explained that i would be having lapocsocpic surgery, but since they did not know what really was the problem, it might turn into full abdominal surgery. They told me the risks, which of course included death, having to have a permanent colostomy bag, or Foley catheter, or numerous other things. So that had me really scared. But they said if everything goes well it should only take about an hour to complete the surgery. So they wheeled me down, and 4 hours later I was wheeled to the recovery room. Of course my family was freaking out because they taught it was only going to be a 1 hour surgery and it turned into 4 hours. When I got back to my room, they say its a good thing that I got it done. They said that the cyst was wrapped from one side of my ovaries and fallopian tubes all the way to the other side. It was twisting and cutting off blood/oxygen to the whole area. If I would have waited I would have possibly ended up having to have a hysterectomy. They said the surgery took so long because they tried their best to save everything(which they said they were able to do, and that region is pretty resilient so I should be able to have kids in the the future again). I didn’t even care about all that because all that mattered was that the pain wasn’t as bad. I hurt, but I didn’t hurt as much. I had three pukey looking holes in my stomach but anything was better than the pain. So they released me from the hospital so I was able to go home the next day. Unfortunately I went home to a 98 degree house with no AC. Apparently when I was in the hospital the motor on the central air decided to die. So there I was two fans blasting on me, sweating my butt off, and trying to recover from abdominal surgery. Now to top it off, since leaving the hospital I’ve been fighting a cold and them time of the month. So needless to say that I am pretty miserable. I am going to add pics to this post later, because my camera is charging right now. But they are pretty gross. So that is the first part of my never ending week from hell. Today was the first day of my last year of nursing school, so I have a lot of homework to complete. I am going to try to see how much of that information that I can retain through my pain meds, I am also hoping that I will have a BM soon, because I haven’t had one since I got sick(going on a week now), and my stomach is still very painful and bloated. The only good thing about today was seeing all the other nursing students. The last time they saw me I was 220 pounds, I’m now 179. So they all said i looked great, even though I felt like crap. It was a little annoying to have to walk around in an over sized shirt and not being able to button my pants over my suture site. My Doctor has put off exercising and any strenuous activity for the next 4 weeks. So that will slow my weight loss of course. I had to buy a polo shirt out of our school bookstore for psych clinical rotations that start on Friday and I picked up an extra large. As I was getting ready to check out on of the students was like, I know that shirt isn’t for you is it. That will be way to big. She was right, i ended up buying a medium and it still fits loose. I was thrilled about that because I feel so much bigger with the bloating from the surgery. So I guess there is always a silver  lining on a cloudy day somewhere.

 

The neverending week from hell 08/24/2009

Filed under: Day to day life,health issues — notathingirl @ 3:04 pm
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This past, and current week has been a neverending week from hell. So this will be a multible posting day. I have so much to update on. I will be posting about my intense pain, leading to a nightmare hospital experience, leading to me having to have emergency surgery. I will also include pictures from my sutures, and my tramatized arms (brusied and blown viens). I will also post about my grandfather being in critical condition in the ICU right now. As well as the doctor I menetentioned in my last post calling me on the phone today, and leading me in a very lively conversation. There’s so much to say, and update about. So in order not to have one extremely long post, I’m going to break it up into smaller posts throughout the day. Excuse any grammical errors, because my faitful spell checker in google chrome is on the fritz as well as the side effects of the little bottle of percot I have on hand. However I will try to keep it as legible as possible. But before I begin posting I just wanted to start off with a simple THANKS! I wanted to thank all that have visted my blog in my absense. Even though I have no idea who you are, in the days when I was in the hopsital I had at least 63 vistis to the blog on one day and many more on the following days. It is kind people out there that really move me, and inspire me. There are some really great people in the LJ community 100pounds2loose who have always been there for a helping hand, a pat on the back, and just general support. While I know no one knows everything but those ladies/gentelmen over there are very helpful with dieting advice, and just all over wisdom.  Many of times I have tured to them when I felt frustrated, disappointed, or just plain dissatified in this weight loss journey. There are even a few particular girls that even though I do not know them in real life, I feel for them as if they were friends. I root for them when they are doing well, and I feel their pain when they stumble. I just think its wonderful to be able to find support, understanding, and acceptance from so many people going through the same expriences as I am. There are so many great people on Sparkpeople that have been a great source of knowlege, motivation, and inspiration to me along this journey.  I get a lot of, “your an inspiration” comments from new members but little do they know they are the ones that motivate me.  It just touches my heart to know that there are so many good people out there trying, struggling, and fighting to succed at meeting their goals.  Its like I want for them to make it, I want us all to make it!  Not just in meeting our weight and fitness goals, but our life goals. It just amazes me how we may share a common thread with our struggles with weight or health and we still have that ability to give and make an inpact on each other’s lives.  Not just an inpact, but a meanigful inpact. With struggles with weight, we can have a lot of self esteem problems, or just really feel down in general but it’s great to know you aren’t alone, and no one has to stuggle in the dark or by themselves. You wouldn’t believe how many people have reached out to me for help or support. Feeling like there could not be a tomorrow, or feeling like a complete failure. Just to see that turn around, that glimmer of hope, that belief in themselves is truely meaningful. Personally I am beyound thankful for your support, inspiration, motivation, and understanding. Thank you!

 

Thanks for nothing Doc! 08/17/2009

Filed under: Day to day life,health issues,Weight issues — notathingirl @ 9:27 pm
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So I finally mustered up the courage to speak to a doctor about my anxiety issues. I’ve been suffering from some sort of anxiety for a while now. It peaked during my time in college(well my first time in college, cause I’m still there ha!). When I lived on campus I would have anxiety attacks if I had to eat in the huge cafeteria without someone I knew. I even went through it in high school, but it was easier because I would just not eat then. But in college when most of your meals are supposed to be furnished through the caf, having anxiety attacks upon entering the huge space with all these students I didn’t know would send me off into full blown panic modes. I would start to sweat, heart would race, and I would feel sick to my stomach. I’m not really sure why that is. Maybe I felt everyone would be like, “hey look at that overweight girl siting by herself in the caf, ha ha she’s going back for seconds, wait thirds!” So if my friends weren’t going, then neither was I. Well since my college mates schedules’ did not revolve around mine, it led to a lot of eating alone in my room. These sessions were usually pizza pies, followed by hot wings, not to be outdone by chips, candy, and soda. Now of course I don’t live on campus and I’m not even a traditional college student so I don’t run into those problems anymore. So now my anxiety has manifested itself in the form of driving. Whenever I’m on a highway bridge I freak out. The bad thing is where I live I am surrounded by water. You pretty much have to go to a tunnel/bridge to get anywhere. So since my anxiety seemed to be getting worse. I thought I was doing the right thing by seeking help. So I called the doc and made an appointment. When I get there the nurse asks me what is wrong, and I tell her I have been having really bad anxiety whenever I have to drive through tunnels and on bridges. The nurse goes, and I kid you not, “So you aren’t having vaginal irritation?” I’m like, “What?! No! Anxiety, I called and made an appointment about anxiety”. So she tells me that on the paper it says something different. Stupid making appointments for the wrong reasons receptionist! So I was completely embarrassed as she began to put away all the equipment that a doctor would use for such things as a pelvic exam back with an attitude. I guess its my fault that the receptionist mistook, anxiety attacks for a sexually transmitted disease. I should have took that as a sign to get out of there quick. But I didn’t so the nurse left, and in comes a student doctor/intern. He was kinda cool, he asked such probing questions about my anxiety. I was almost brought to tears because I felt like finally I would be getting relief. So he said he would be back in a minute with the doctor. So I lay back on the table and try to get some rest. I hadn’t ate or drank anything all day because I wanted to get blood work drawn, like cholesterol and lipids while I was there. So the doc comes in with the student. I describe my feelings to him as I’m driving over a bridge. I tell him that I start sweating, heart racing, tunnel vision, nausea, and just a really bad feeling to the point where I just want to pull over on the side of the road.  He says,” it sounds like you are having panic attacks”. Well okay doc i kinda figured that out for myself. Then he says, “I won’t prescribe you any meds, because I think you can deal with this on your own”. I tell him for the last year it’s been getting worse, and each day of the week I have to cross at least one tunnel if not two to get where I have to go. He says, “too bad there isn’t a public transportation option that you can partake in, what about having friends or family drive you where you need to go” Okay now I was getting annoyed. So I should resort to being some freak show that has to driven around by others. I tell him at least two of my family members where almost killed in tunnel accidents, and maybe that is why I am freaking out so much. He says, “maybe but…”and looks like he is thinking. I already felt vulnerable, and a little nutty for admitting that I was having anxiety problems. Even though I know it runs in my family. But this doctor was making it worse. Little did I know it was about to good from slightly annoying to downright insulting. Then doctor what ever his name was (my doctor is on vacation and he is a stand in), suggested that maybe my anxiety was linked to depression and that if I lost weight I wouldn’t be as depressed, and therefore would not have anxiety. So I tell him that hey doc I’ve lost at least 81 pounds. He then asks me If I did it on purpose.  That one caught me off guard. How the heck does one loose 81 pounds by mistake? I tell him I of course wanted to loose weight. I told him I went from being morbidly obese to being right on the obese/overweight line for my BMI. He looked pretty unbelieving, and wanted to know what I did. After giving him a rundown, he told me that If I lost more weight i would be less depressed, and I would feel better. Mind you I never once said anything about being depressed. He then asked If I ever thought about killing myself or if I had problems sleeping at night. So I guess within our little 10 min chat he was trying to peg me as suicidal too. Then he said maybe if I talked about my feelings with a therapist my anxiety would go away. Since I hold no Phd, I say sure I’ll try that thinking that he will give me a name or somewhere to start. But he wouldn’t even give me a number or a recommendation.  He suggested I contact my insurance company and ask them for names of local docs because it all comes down to them. So he was no helpful at all. I wasted my time, and I felt even worse afterwards. So I’m going to call a therapist anyway, just to see what one will say. I figure it couldn’t hurt. But I’ve never come across a more annoying doctor. He’s up there with the doctor that suggested I try walking, when I came in for a yearly physical before I started to loose weight. Thanks doc, I know I was morbidly obese,but I sure never thought walking or exercise would help. Thanks for the breakthrough! Oh and thanks doctor no name for suggesting that my panic attacks where due to me being depressed and suicidal about not being a size 0.  Thanks for nothing!

 

I love/hate you computer!!

Filed under: Day to day life — notathingirl @ 8:20 pm
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Since my computer is going in and out, and I have a lot to type about. I will be making different posts for each topic.

It’s been a little while since I have posted. That has been completely related to the fact that my touch sensitive lap top has become almost unresponsive to touch. But here’s the kicker when it is responsive, it spends its time knocking me off the Internet or teasing with letting me type 2 sentences then stopping functioning.  Since it’s still completely under warranty, I called the company to help me repair it or at least figure out what was going on.  It hasn’t even been a year since I had it. When I first got it I was all starry eyed and in love. But for the last week I’ve been fighting the urge to “accidentally” knock it off the couch and let my children walk all over it. But I have resisted and called the company. I talked to 4 customer service reps, i don’t even want to rehash the nonsense they suggested I do. I won’t even touch on the language barrier, or the fact that one guy advised me to take a screwdriver to it. Needless to say, our chats ended quickly. One the fourth try I finally came across someone that was from this planet, and who understood that I did not hold a degree in advanced computer technology. She suggested I send it back to them, and they will send me another one. Wow I get to trade my new over 1,000 dollar computer for some refurbished crap that someone left on the side of the road! Then to top it off she asked if I had anything important on the computer that I wanted to keep. Really lady? Seriously, I’ve been using this computer strictly as a paper weight for the last few months. So now I am responsible to do the ultimate task of transferring all my files, pictures, and games to another computer. Err just the thought of it drives me crazy. I haven’t even started. The largest flash drive I have is 2 gigs. My computer can hold over 500 gigs.  So I have some work cut out for me.  In all honestly I do have three other computers. I have my desktop which is 4 years old and might as well be from the 1980’s when it comes to technology. I mean it can serve a purpose but my desire to use it is close to zero. All being the fact that I will have to drag a chair to the computer desk and do all my computing from an upright position. I’m slightly too lazy at this point to give up my comfort spot of laying on the couch and typing mindlessly away while my children destroy our computer/play room.  I also have two other laptops, one I brought used back in 1998. I only paid 200 so you can guess how useful it is now.  It’s also about the size of my desktop. So that’s a no go. I think I’m keeping it as a collectors item so when my kids get older they can laugh and joke about the technology we used to suffer through. A floppy disk drive!…do they even sell floppy disks anymore? I also have another laptop which is also fairly new, that I got on sale at walmart. They were so cheap(under 300), I brought 5 of them and sold them for extra pocket money. They aren’t bad for what I was selling them for. They have 4 gig Ram, 250 gigs of Rom, but the graphics card is equivalent to playing Mario brothers on the original Nintendo game system. So it is really of no use for me, because I am somewhat (a lot) into playing games, and the sims 3 would crash and burn upon turning it on.  I currently just use it to download stuff. So it’s full of all the viruses and malware you can think of.  So that explains all the computer trouble of been going through lately. Hopefully it will be ending soon.  Either by me slamming my beloved ex-favorite laptop against the wall, or doing what the tech say so I can be sent a refurbished junk yard replacement.

 

My car hates me and possible sabotage 08/04/2009

Filed under: Weight issues — notathingirl @ 8:18 pm
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My car hates me and sabotage
Yesterday was a very long and busy day and I came to the realization that my car actually hates me, or possibly thinks I hate it. I got in the car this morning and hit the little electronic controls on the side to move the seat up and it would not move. My boyfriend is much taller than me, so I couldn’t even reach the petals. I heard the motor buzzing but the seat would not budge. I got out the car and tried it without sitting on the seat, and the seat moved like a breeze. So either my car hates me or thinks I’m fat one.
Yesterday also started a 8 week battle on spark. I actually uploaded pic in just a bra and panties. I can’t even think about the pic without feeling embarrassed. I couldn’t even imagine doing that at a heavier side, beside being weirdly shaped my stomach is covered in stretch marks. But that’s how serious I am about getting fit. Just looking at the picture is a constant reminder that I’m not finished I still have a lot to loose. Hopefully me uploading my picture of my imperfect, gross looking stomach will help someone embrace their imperfections and realize it’s okay. Sure we aren’t perfect but we can work to make it better, while not beating ourselves up about it.
One a different not, and I really hate to say it but yesterday I felt like I was being sabotaged. It was so weird. I told my boyfriend I joined an 8 week challenge and spark and I was trying to figure what I should set my goal as. So I said I was thinking about pledging at least 16 pounds, just to make it a challenge. He gets mad and says, “YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOSE ANY MORE WEIGHT” and then turns the music up in the car. I was thinking, what the f*ck?! I didn’t even say anything back because I didn’t even know what the heck that was supposed to mean. Lately he has been walking around the house calling himself fat and all that nonsense. So maybe that’s it. He claims he’s back up to 295. Also every time we go around his family they comment about my weight loss and tell him he needs to do something about his weight. I know how that feels so I feel his pain about that but. Years ago when we first met, he called me fat and told me in so many words that he wished I would loose weight. I was 197 at that time, so you can imagine over the years as I gained up to my highest weight I always had that, “I don’t like fat girls” comment in the back of my mind. At that time I didn’t even think I was that “fat”. He even told his family he was dating a fat girl, so when I met his cousin for the first time she was like, “you aren’t even fat, I don’t know why he said you were fat”. Somehow we made it passed that and we’ve been together for at least the last 5 years. With both us gaining weight. So I guess since we were both trying to loose weight together, and he just stopped. He may feel like the tables have turned. So back to the story. After we got home that night I told him, after putting the kids to sleep I would go going to the track to do some laps. So I put the kids to sleep, put my exercise clothes and shoes on. Then as I’m looking for the keys he is like, “you should just stay here, If I was you I wouldn’t go walking on the track at night. “ So I’m like I’ll be safe there are lots of people on thr track at night. But then all of a sudden I couldn’t find either set of car keys. He said he placed them on the kitchen table but they weren’t there. Told him he was the last one with them, but now they are lost. I spent 20 mins looking for the car keys, then got frustrated and decided just to work out at home. But it’s no space in the bedrooms to do it in front of the television and he was watching TV. in the living room. I was so pissed that I just went to sleep. I spent my first day of my 8 week battle doing nothing exercise wise. So that sucked, of course in the morning both sets of keys were right in the living room, wtf?! Now I’m not saying it’s sabotage but it’s pretty fishy. Today is my daughter’s fourth birthday so I should go back to avoiding the cake in the ice cream.

Yesterday was a very long day and I came to the realization that my car actually hates me, or possibly thinks I hate it. I got in the car  and hit the little electronic controls on the side to move the seat up and it would not move. My boyfriend is much taller than me. So the car was so far back that I couldn’t even reach the pedals. I heard the motor buzzing but the seat would not budge. I got out the car and tried it without sitting on the seat, and the seat moved like a breeze. So either my car hates me or thinks I’m fat.

Yesterday also started a 8 week challenge on spark. I actually uploaded pic in just a bra and panties. I know! Crazy! Shocking! I can’t even think about the pic without feeling embarrassed. I couldn’t even imagine doing that at a heavier size.. Besides being weirdly shaped, my stomach is covered in stretch marks. But that’s how serious I am about getting fit. I was so serious that day that I wanted a good before pic. I needed something to motivate me. It’s easy to avoid my stomach in day the day life. It’s as easy as not looking down, and skipping full length mirrors. Both of which I’ve gotten use to since gaining lots of weight.  It took a lot of guts to upload them, and I’m trying my best to fight the urge to remove them. I haven’t even looked at my photo album on spark since I uploaded them to my spark page. Hopefully me a few months from now they will make good before shots.

One a different note, and I really hate to say it but, yesterday I felt like I was being sabotaged. It was so weird. I told my boyfriend I joined an 8 week challenge on spark and I was trying to figure what I should set my goal as. So I said I was thinking about pledging at least 16 pounds, just to make it a challenge. He gets mad and says, “YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOSE ANY MORE WEIGHT” and then turns the music up in the car. I was thinking, what the f*ck?! I didn’t even say anything back because I didn’t even know what the heck that was supposed to mean. Lately he has been walking around the house calling himself fat and all that nonsense. So maybe that’s it. He claims he’s back up to 295 pounds. Also every time we go around his family they comment about my weight loss and tell him he needs to do something about his weight. I know how that feels, so I feel his pain about that. But years ago when we first met, he called me fat and told me, in so many words, that he wished I would loose weight. I was 197 at that time, so you can imagine over the years as I gained up to my highest weight I always had that, “I don’t like fat girls” comment in the back of my mind.  At that time I didn’t even think I was that “fat”. He even told his family he was dating a fat girl, so when I met his cousin for the first time she was like, “you aren’t even fat, I don’t know why he said you were fat”. Somehow we made it pass that and we’ve been together for at least the last 5 years. With both us steadily gaining weight. So I guess since we were both trying to loose weight together, and he just stopped. He may feel like the tables have turned. But back to the story. After we got home that night I told him, after putting the kids to sleep, I would go going to the track to do some laps. So I put the kids to sleep, then put my exercise clothes and shoes on. Then as I’m looking for the keys he is like, “you should just stay here, If I was you I wouldn’t go walking on the track at night. “ So I’m like “I’ll be safe. There are lots of people on the track at night”. But then all of a sudden I couldn’t find either set of car keys. He said he placed them on the kitchen table but they weren’t there. I told him he was the last one with them, but now they are lost. I spent 30 mins looking for the car keys, then got frustrated, and decided just to work out at home. But it’s no space in the bedrooms to do it in front of the television and he was watching TV  in the living room. I was so pissed that I just went to sleep. I spent my first day of my 8 week battle doing nothing exercise wise. So that sucked, of course in the morning both sets of keys were right in the living room, wtf?! Now I’m not saying it’s sabotage but it’s pretty fishy. Today is my daughter’s fourth birthday so I should go back to avoiding the cake in the ice cream.

 

Should not want 08/01/2009

Filed under: Weight issues — notathingirl @ 1:13 pm
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So I’m in need of new nursing school uniforms. I wish I could have them altered but I’m not even sure if it is possible. My lab coat is a size 24, I was a size 22 when I brought it. I brought it big to allow for bending over and just a comfortable fit. The size 22 was snug, and no patient  wants a nurse taking their blood pressure or given them injections while she’s busting out of her uniform. These uniforms are pretty expensive, they have to be brought from a certain store because all the nursing students have to look the same. They don’t even look like normal scrubs. They are white, and the top is made like a button down shirt. I hated them at a size 22! I honestly felt like a moutain of mashed potatoes. At that time was into the slimming effect of black. But here I was being forced to interact with patients, doctors, and other nurses in that white nightmare. I’ve been wearing them throughout nursing school(a year already). I haven’t even tried them on now, because I’m now a size 12.  I’m still pretty strapped for cash, and I had to pay almost 200 dollars just to buy two pairs last time. So I’m thinking maybe having them altered might be cheaper.

It will be interesting to see if anyone notices my weight loss in the nursing program. People where commenting during the year, But when we went on break in april I was 220 pounds, and the pants looked baggy then and the top looked tent like. Now I’m 40 pounds smaller than that, so who knows?  I know I might get the inevitable question, “how did you do it?” I will say it was just watching what I eat, and trying to get some exercise in. I will usually direct them to spark people.com . Which is a free site for diet advise, support, and motivation. Having the support of others that have the same amount of weight to loose can be so helpful. At over 260, or really even now,  it’s hard to relate to someone with just 20 pounds to loose. That is unless they have already lost a lot of weight. I think it is especially important if you are in an environment that is not conductive to weight loss. I think the most important step for anyone is to be their own cheerleader. If we aren’t going to do it then who will? It breaks my heart when people are upset about losing 1 or 2 pounds for the week. We need to celebrate our achievements no matter how big or small they are. I know the feeling, at my highest, losing 1 pound meant nothing at all. Because I had struggled to loose the same 5 to 10 pounds for so long. I know that’s not the way it should be though. We have to motivate ourselves. It gets hard because with gaining weight sometimes a lowered self esteem grows right along with it. Well I know at least for me it did. Being obese, ore even morbidly obese like I was, somehow makes me people feel they have the right to make comments/suggestions about your weight. Whether it be random strangers, friends, or family. The thing that would get me was, the comments weren’t even motivational. Having someone tell me I really should or needed to loose weight would do nothing but depress me. Then of course as an emotional eater, it would then lead me to eat. Having people say you are throwing your life away, or you just need to stop eating hurts just as much. I know most had good intentions, but if they had any clue into weight issues they would know that it isn’t just that easy. I can’t even count the times that I wished it was that easy or that simple. Sure it is pretty much, calories in and calories out but it doesn’t get down to the basis of why we eat. If you have a food addiction or you are an emotional eater then it is much harder than simply not eating a doughnut. I beat myself up so many times thinking I had no willpower or I was a failure because I couldn’t stay away from the pizza or snacks. But now I realize it’s much more than that. I plan on using this blog to try to come to the basis and evaluate why I did what I did. I also hope to get insight on how I was able to change those behaviors. There is no point in losing 130 pounds (which is what I would have lost once I hit my goal), if I haven’t solved the basis of why I do or did what I do. I would be sure to gain it all back.

As for current weight loss, I am still loosing weight but I am still not working out again yet. I’m letting mother nature run it’s course till Monday and I should be back on track next week. That brings me to another point. I was reading the August issue of shape magazine yesterday. They had an article in there about how we should not say should in relation to the things we need to do for reaching our goals. For example I need to stop saying, “I should work out today”.  I should be saying, “I want to work out today”. Supposedly with replacing “should” with “want” it triggers our mind into thinking it’s something we really want to do and it gets the momentum going. Usually we don’t mind working towards the things we want.  However when we say, “should” then it feels like an obligation or chore. No one likes to do chores or feel forced to do something! So maybe that can really help with motivation.

 

Day 1: 52 to Brand New 07/30/2009

Filed under: 52 to brand new,Weight issues — notathingirl @ 8:00 pm
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Day 1:
It’s official today marks the day I finally reached 182 pounds. Depending on  who you are you might be thinking, “wow girl lay off the cheeseburgers!”, or “I hate you, you skinny b*tch”. But regardless  this is coming from a girl that thought she would never weigh anything below 200 pounds. From here on out I’m going to keep track of the days it takes me to loose my last 52 pounds. I will weigh in each week, and do monthly measurements. I’m calling it 52 to Brand New.  I’m been in search of Ms New Me for a while now. I’m not sure how long it will take me, but I guess I will find out. I don’t even want to put a time frame up because it could lead to disappointment, which turns into  feeling like a huge failure. In the last 7 months I have lost 55 pounds. So maybe that’s how long it will take going forth. I’m not really sure because my desire to workout has went from about 75% to a good 10%, and that’s being generous. I’m not even going to lie and say today I’m going to work out. Because in all honesty I am not. I think I’ll spend the rest of the night watching old t.v. shows on Hulu. Right now I’m watching my way through The Outer Limits. Yeah I may not be a thin girl, but I’m somewhat of a geek. Today my diet has been horrendous if not nonexistent. It’s not even what you may be thinking. I have not been snacking, and I don’t have said cheeseburger in hand. I haven’t eaten much of anything all day. Don’t worry I’m not on a 2 calorie diet or some other crazy nonsense. It’s just that my fridge is pretty bare of healthy items, unless you count condiments and processed cheese slices.  I currently have 2 tubs of ice cream. One is of cookies and cream, the other banana split, which both fall under the milk group, and possibly the fruit group. But I doubt that counts as healthy. There is also ice cream cake in the freezer. So if I wanted I could load up on sugar,  I could but then my next post would be about how I was gaining weight and not losing it. Tomorrow is Friday, and thank goodness a pay day! So I will be going shopping then. Now for my official weigh in for my 52 to Brand New:
Day 1
Highest weight 260
Current weight 182
Pounds left to lose: 52
Total pounds lost: 78
Start measurements:
Waist: 35.5 inches
muffin top  waist 39.5 inches
thighs: 26.6 inches
Arms: 13.7 inches
hips:  43 inches

Day 1:

It’s official today marks the day I finally reached 182 pounds. Depending on  who you are you might be thinking, “wow girl lay off the cheeseburgers!”, or “I hate you, you skinny b*tch”. But regardless  this is coming from a girl that thought she would never weigh anything below 200 pounds. From here on out I’m going to keep track of the days it takes me to loose my last 52 pounds. I will weigh in each week, and do monthly measurements. I’m calling it 52 to Brand New.  I’m been in search of Ms New Me for a while now. I’m not sure how long it will take me, but I guess I will find out. I don’t even want to put a time frame up because it could lead to disappointment, which turns into  feeling like a huge failure. In the last 7 months I have lost 55 pounds. So maybe that’s how long it will take going forth. I’m not really sure because my desire to workout has went from about 75% to a good 10%, and that’s being generous. I’m not even going to lie and say today I’m going to work out. Because in all honesty I am not. I think I’ll spend the rest of the night watching old t.v. shows on Hulu. Right now I’m watching my way through The Outer Limits. Yeah I may not be a thin girl, but I’m somewhat of a geek. Today my diet has been horrendous if not nonexistent. It’s not even what you may be thinking. I have not been snacking, and I don’t have said cheeseburger in hand. I haven’t eaten much of anything all day. Don’t worry I’m not on a 2 calorie diet or some other crazy nonsense. It’s just that my fridge is pretty bare of healthy items, unless you count condiments and processed cheese slices.  I currently have 2 tubs of ice cream. One is of cookies and cream, the other banana split, which both fall under the milk group, and possibly the fruit group. But I doubt that counts as healthy. There is also ice cream cake in the freezer. So if I wanted I could load up on sugar,  I could but then my next post would be about how I was gaining weight and not losing it. Tomorrow is Friday, and thank goodness a pay day! So I will be going shopping then. Now for my official weigh in for my 52 to Brand New:

Day 1

Highest weight 260

Current weight 182

Pounds left to lose: 52

Total pounds lost: 78

Start measurements:

Waist: 35.5 inches

muffin top  waist 39.5 inches

thighs: 26.6 inches

Arms: 13.7 inches

hips:  43 inches