So I’m at the point where I need to either loose weight or buy a mumu. You know one of those large dresses that cling nowhere. Like I feel like I am cutting off my circulation trying to squeeze into the close that are way too tight. So of course when I lost weight before I had the bright idea to donate my clothes to a battered womens shelter as I grew out of them. I started at a size 22 and I went down to a size 10 so I donated lots of clothes and shoes. At the time I was thinking, “you can’t regain weight if you don’t have clothes to fit in”. So I was more than happy that I was able to give the clothes away. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS I kept of pair of “fat” jeans. They are a size 16 and are the only ones I can actually fit into as soon as the size 10’s became tight. So here is my problem all the clothes I have are nursing scrubs, one pair of jeans, and one pair of sweats. That is all that I can fit. So everyday I look like I’m pretty much always just getting off work. I have been trying to avoid buying new clothes at this size. I don’t even know what size that is right now. I just know it’s somewhere between not a10 and not a 16. So I am at the point where I either need to really get serious about loosing weight or to invest in some mumus.
Not a thin girl is back..and still not thin 06/22/2010
So I’m back now. I’m ready to get back on track…………….
So here I am back at the same place, with not as much to loose but with just as much frustration. So last year I joined spark and I went from 260 pounds to 169 pounds. It was a fun journey, I had more energy and it was nice to be closer to my goal. Then pretty much out of nowhere I had someone very close to me die suddenly of septic shock. It was pretty gruesome way to go, so it hit me kind of hard. Then I had an ovarian cyst the size of a baseball that had to be removed because it was cutting off my circulation (very painful), then mix that with the stress of my final year of nursing school and raising 2 small children. So I started going through a bad depression, and I started having bad anxiety. Long story short went to doc and got some anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds. They helped with the anxiety and the depression but I never felt satisfied with food. I was always hungry! At first it was okay because I hovered between 170 and 180 for about three months. Then woke up one morning and I was 190, then most recently 210 . But the problem with this medication, and yes weight gain is a side effect, is that it makes you so mellow that you loose that ump and that motivation to really want to loose weight. So that’s the problem where I should be running around working out and swearing off sweets, I’m still always hungry and like, “hey I’m only 210, not a big deal I’ll have more cake”. But I really enjoyed being thinner and I want to go back there. So despite feeling always hungry right now I’m gonna do it! I’m tapering off the meds, so that should help with my appetite. I think I will go walking today.
So even though I’m back here again, I will do it. I will loose the weight I regained and finally hit goal. This time around seems like it will be harder. But I am up for the challenge.
You are losing weight because you have cancer…
Yes believe it or not that was actually told to me by a family member?!?! What do you say to that? So I was talking to said person, and I get the “how much do you weigh now?” comment that I’ve been getting a lot lately. I say 173 pounds I haven’t been on the scale in weeks. That’s how busy I’ve been. At this point i am beyond busy. Anyway that before mentioned person apparently didn’t believe me and tried to tell me that I was about 130 pounds. Umm no, I think I would have a better idea then some random guesstimate from a family member. So apparently since I’m a liar or delusional. This family member, now remember this is immediate family the only reason I’m not saying who is because it would make the situation seem even more crazy, then precedes to get a scale and make me weigh myself. Even though I was reaching the point of being majorly annoyed. I got on the scale, and it said 169. So granted i was 4 pounds off, but I haven’t been on a scale in two weeks. Waking up at 5 am to be at the hospital at 7 in the morning leaves no time to mess around with the scale. Then once again I get the same question that I got from the doctor that time I went about my anxiety(read back a few posts to see what I am talking about). This family member, she hits me with the, “are you trying to lose weight?’ What? Huh? Oh here we go again! So i say I am trying to loose weight. But lately I’ve been kinda slacking, no exercise and eating fast food often, well very often(Burger kings angry tendercrisp sandwich should be my new name). So even though lately I am a little off I am still mindful of my food choices and such. But apparently that comment wasn’t good enough because then she asks me if I got my MRI done yet (back when I had to have emergency surgery the docs recommended that I get an MRI on my pelvic bone because there are some scars/lesions there). But the doctor said it could just be normal from when the bones were growing, if it was serious I would be having lots of pain in the area. But they wanted me to schedule an MRI just to be 100%. So granted I haven’t got it done yet. The only days I have free are Monday’s and I haven’t even had a free one of those in a while. But back to the story. So i tell her I haven’t gotten the MRI yet, and she goes, “you are losing weight because you have cancer, you know cancer can cause weight loss!”. I just have to lol at that one. Sure not diet, not exercise but cancer?! WoW who knew?! Now if that’s not frustrating then what is? That’s just the most recent craziness that’s been going on in my life. I’ll be back later today to fill you in on what’s been going on while I was gone. Thanks to those who still visited in my absence.
Day 33: 52 to Brand New 09/02/2009
Finally an update about my weight and my progress!! Whoo this has been the month to end all months. I’ve been thrown curve balls left and right. You know that saying, “if it’s not one thing, then it’s the other”? Well if it’s not one thing, it’s about 3 more things that will try to throw you off track and send you heading in the opposite direction. My favorite quote, “Ever forward”! That’s what I’m trying to do, keep moving forward, getting up and keeping it moving. So I took my measurement and weight about 3 days ago but I am just getting around to posting it. For those that don’t know 52 to brand new is my challenge just to track how long it takes me to loose my last 52 pounds. So here is the information:
Highest weight: 260
Current Weight: 175
Pounds lost during 52 to brand new: 7
Total pounds lost: 85
Waist: 34.5 (1 inch difference)
Muffin top waist: 39 (.5 inch difference)
Thighs: 25 (1.6 difference)
Arms: 13 (.7 difference)
hips: 40 (3 inch difference)
Under breast : 32 (1 inch difference)
Chest : 35 (same)
Neck : 13 (1 inch difference)
Total inches lost during 52 to brand new: 8.8
Highest BMI: 43.3 Obese class 3, Morbid Obese
52 to brand new start BMI: 30.3, Obese class 1
Current BMI: 29.1, Over weight
Reflections for month: Didn’t really work out like I should have, even before the emergency surgery. Right now I am on restriction for about 2 more weeks. I’m not supposed to do strenuous movements or lift over 10 pounds. My Doctor told me to remember that I have had major abdominal surgery. My diet has also been hit and miss. I was doing good food wise before a lot of the drama. However for the last 2 weeks of this month it’s been pretty hit and miss. Having two servings of ice cream a day is not good for you even if it is diet ice cream (during the first 2 weeks). So even though I lost 7 pounds this month, it could have been much better with more exercise and a better diet. Some high notes are that I wore my first pair of size 10 pants to clinical, with a white shirt tucked in! I can’t even remember the last time I have been this small so that was encouraging. I really really really need to get back to exercising. My stomach which looked pretty big before, looks even worse now. I’m sure that is due to the surgery and now infected sutures post surgery. But if you have visited my sparkpage and seen my stomach shots, just image a body looking even more crazily proportioned. I’ve lost the most inches on my hips this month. I can’t wait to really start losing my tummy! After surgery I was joking with my doctor. I asked her why when she was in there removing a base ball sized cyst did she not just go ahead and give me a tummy tuck. That would have been nice. So my new goals for the next 30 days:
Eat better (more veggies)
Get at least 8hrs of sleep
Slowly get back into working out
Hopefully start dropping some inches on my stomach!
I started this as a weight loss blog and I’ve been posting about everything but losing weight for the last couple of posts and the trend continues, well at least right now. Today I woke up feeling 100% better despite all the crap I’ve been going through. For the last 3 days my eating has been off the wall. The night I found out my grandfather died, I went out at 9:30 at night brought a 12 pack of Ultra lite, and some fried chicken, and a bottle of hot sauce. I ended up eating one breast doused in hot sauce and drinking 3 beers. Speaking of emotional eating, before I even left the house I at 3 diet candy bars(they are high fiber, low sugar but taste so good). The next day featured more hot sauce, beer(2) and friend chicken for dinner, after eating fast food for lunch. Tonight hasn’t been much better, Chinese food for dinner but no alcohol. The bad thing is I have no appetite. I have just this empty feeling, that I am just mindlessly eating to fill. I thought I was over that, and beyond the emotional eating. Granted I’m not binging like I would do in the past. I haven’t crushed a whole bag of cookies, or a thing of ice cream in one sitting. I’m just eating stuff I normally wouldn’t be eating. Does it make me feel better? Nope, not at all. If anything I felt worse after eating the crap, because I know its wrong. But each day is a new day, and a new start. So tomorrow I will do better, I will try.
This morning I woke up in a fairly good mood. I had a good breakfast, a cup of green tea and I got a lot of cleaning done. My psych clinical was canceled so I didn’t have to go to class or the hospital today. Instead we were told to find an NA meeting or an AA meeting to attend. Tonight I went to the AA meeting and tomorrow night I have to go to an NA meeting so that I can compare and contrast the two formats. So I am wondering will it be as interesting as the AA meeting. We have to do this is in an effort to gain insight into the whole process before we come into contact with addicts and such during psych rotations. The big thing with doing rotations in the psych hospital is to check your own judgements and feelings at the door. So I had no problem going to a meeting. I have come in pretty close contact with addicts and substance abusers in my life so I have a negative feeling about addiction and recovery. Honestly I don’t believe in recovery. show me a recovered addict and I will show you someone one step away from a drink and a hit. But I went to the meeting, because it’s not about how I feel about it. Its about how the patients feel about it. Well I think it’s great that people are getting help, and want change. I’ve just had too much experience with that relapsing addict. During the meeting I felt kind of weird at first because I had such negative feelings about the situation. I also kept getting stared at. When it was my turn to “share” into their discussion about pride, humility, and serenity. I talked a little about it, then I told them I’ve been through a lot lately. I told them I just had emergency surgery, I just lost my grandfather, who felt more like my father than my own dad, and that I had just started the hardest year of my nursing school. I also told them I have been dealing with my stress and emotions with alcohol. I didn’t say I was an addict or pick up those chips they were passing around or anything like that. But I didn’t want to sit there like a bump on a long, so I joined in their discussions. The stories’ the men and woman shared were very interesting. Even though a lot of them relapsed a lot I didn’t feel the same bitterness and negativity as I did when I went in with. I found them inspiring because they were trying, even if not succeeding.
Most of the stories I could relate to personally or with my experience with dealing with addicts. But on a personal level I felt like it related to my current spiraling. I won’t say spiraling out of control but more playing with fire. Starting to drink again, and knowingly emotionally eating is a slippery slop for me. I know for a fact that I was a food addict in the past. The simple act of eating a cookie was enough to get me “high”, sometimes one would do. But most of the time I would find myself back in the kitchen no later than 10 minutes. I was that snacker in bed. Before going to sleep at night I would have my doughnut sticks as my reward for a hard day. If I felt sad, I ate. If I felt tired, I ate. I really didn’t even need an excuse to eat. I ate despite being stuffed or full, or not even hungry. It was my addiction. For me alcohol and excess food were like both cut from the same cloth. If I was having some beer then I just HAD to have my two bag of chips, pack of m&ms, beef jerky, and some other candy. You know you got it bad when you make sure you have backup snacks in the house just in case you run out and you NEED to have some more. So I’ve come a long way, but this past week I’ve found myself playing with fire, and not just craving alcohol but feeling like I NEED it. Not just craving bad for you food (I swear these diet candy bars taste just like Pay days and Snickers with just 1 gram of sugar), but feeling like I NEED it. I’ve also been so snappy, moody, and an all around b*tch. That’s why I have been limiting my time of LJ and Spark because the littlest things have been setting me off. But that is sooo not like me usually. Like in the last post I mentioned that I went to the docotor about my sutures opening up and drainng all over the place. But you should have heard the argument I got in with the docotor. I have NEVER talked to a medical professional like that before in my life. She told me she didn’t see any drainage while see was wiping the suture with some gauze. Of course all she had to do was turn it over and look at the brownish greenish crap on the other side. But before she had the chance, as soon as she said she didn’t see anything I was like, “Are you serious? Did you even finish medical school? If you can’t tell this is infected then there is something wrong with you. take a look at this suture, you see how nice and closed it is. Now look back at this one, big gaping wound with pus drainage, and it’s smelly. If you think that’s normal then you need to find a new profession” What a b*tch I was, poor lady! She said she didn’t mean it wasn’t infected she was just talking to herself while she was doing her assessment. But needless to say my little rant had her shuck. I won’t even continue with the rest of the conversation but lets just say before I left the office that day a supervisor or attending or whatever she said she was came in with an attitude just as bad as mine. She said her piece while rolling her eyes continuously at me and stormed off. Just as a side note this was not my normal Doctor or the Doctor that did the surgery. These were new people I had never seen before. Despite the pain I was in or what i was feeling at the time, my behavior was inexcusable. I just had no patience or tolerance for nonsense that day. I guess I was so short tempered with her because I had been having such a bad experience with Doctor’s lately. So you see I’ve been really short tempered lately. I need to get that in check fast, you can’t be in this profession and not expect to have situations where you HAVE to turn the other cheek. Where you HAVE to let stuff go. So I need to take a big woos-ha now and get over it all, and just do what I have to do. So that is my confession, I confess that I have been eating bad for the last 3 days. I confess that I have been drinking for the last two days. I also confess that I have been displacing my feelings. Instead of being all sad and mopey I’ve been a B for not good reason at all. I confess that I don’t have all the answers. I also confess that I am still a work in progress. I really believe we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge so I am acknowledging my current flaws. While I’m not fully off track, I am zig zaging all over the place. All I can do is try to do that right thing each day. I will strive to make each day better than the last.
Thanks for nothing Doc! 08/17/2009
So I finally mustered up the courage to speak to a doctor about my anxiety issues. I’ve been suffering from some sort of anxiety for a while now. It peaked during my time in college(well my first time in college, cause I’m still there ha!). When I lived on campus I would have anxiety attacks if I had to eat in the huge cafeteria without someone I knew. I even went through it in high school, but it was easier because I would just not eat then. But in college when most of your meals are supposed to be furnished through the caf, having anxiety attacks upon entering the huge space with all these students I didn’t know would send me off into full blown panic modes. I would start to sweat, heart would race, and I would feel sick to my stomach. I’m not really sure why that is. Maybe I felt everyone would be like, “hey look at that overweight girl siting by herself in the caf, ha ha she’s going back for seconds, wait thirds!” So if my friends weren’t going, then neither was I. Well since my college mates schedules’ did not revolve around mine, it led to a lot of eating alone in my room. These sessions were usually pizza pies, followed by hot wings, not to be outdone by chips, candy, and soda. Now of course I don’t live on campus and I’m not even a traditional college student so I don’t run into those problems anymore. So now my anxiety has manifested itself in the form of driving. Whenever I’m on a highway bridge I freak out. The bad thing is where I live I am surrounded by water. You pretty much have to go to a tunnel/bridge to get anywhere. So since my anxiety seemed to be getting worse. I thought I was doing the right thing by seeking help. So I called the doc and made an appointment. When I get there the nurse asks me what is wrong, and I tell her I have been having really bad anxiety whenever I have to drive through tunnels and on bridges. The nurse goes, and I kid you not, “So you aren’t having vaginal irritation?” I’m like, “What?! No! Anxiety, I called and made an appointment about anxiety”. So she tells me that on the paper it says something different. Stupid making appointments for the wrong reasons receptionist! So I was completely embarrassed as she began to put away all the equipment that a doctor would use for such things as a pelvic exam back with an attitude. I guess its my fault that the receptionist mistook, anxiety attacks for a sexually transmitted disease. I should have took that as a sign to get out of there quick. But I didn’t so the nurse left, and in comes a student doctor/intern. He was kinda cool, he asked such probing questions about my anxiety. I was almost brought to tears because I felt like finally I would be getting relief. So he said he would be back in a minute with the doctor. So I lay back on the table and try to get some rest. I hadn’t ate or drank anything all day because I wanted to get blood work drawn, like cholesterol and lipids while I was there. So the doc comes in with the student. I describe my feelings to him as I’m driving over a bridge. I tell him that I start sweating, heart racing, tunnel vision, nausea, and just a really bad feeling to the point where I just want to pull over on the side of the road. He says,” it sounds like you are having panic attacks”. Well okay doc i kinda figured that out for myself. Then he says, “I won’t prescribe you any meds, because I think you can deal with this on your own”. I tell him for the last year it’s been getting worse, and each day of the week I have to cross at least one tunnel if not two to get where I have to go. He says, “too bad there isn’t a public transportation option that you can partake in, what about having friends or family drive you where you need to go” Okay now I was getting annoyed. So I should resort to being some freak show that has to driven around by others. I tell him at least two of my family members where almost killed in tunnel accidents, and maybe that is why I am freaking out so much. He says, “maybe but…”and looks like he is thinking. I already felt vulnerable, and a little nutty for admitting that I was having anxiety problems. Even though I know it runs in my family. But this doctor was making it worse. Little did I know it was about to good from slightly annoying to downright insulting. Then doctor what ever his name was (my doctor is on vacation and he is a stand in), suggested that maybe my anxiety was linked to depression and that if I lost weight I wouldn’t be as depressed, and therefore would not have anxiety. So I tell him that hey doc I’ve lost at least 81 pounds. He then asks me If I did it on purpose. That one caught me off guard. How the heck does one loose 81 pounds by mistake? I tell him I of course wanted to loose weight. I told him I went from being morbidly obese to being right on the obese/overweight line for my BMI. He looked pretty unbelieving, and wanted to know what I did. After giving him a rundown, he told me that If I lost more weight i would be less depressed, and I would feel better. Mind you I never once said anything about being depressed. He then asked If I ever thought about killing myself or if I had problems sleeping at night. So I guess within our little 10 min chat he was trying to peg me as suicidal too. Then he said maybe if I talked about my feelings with a therapist my anxiety would go away. Since I hold no Phd, I say sure I’ll try that thinking that he will give me a name or somewhere to start. But he wouldn’t even give me a number or a recommendation. He suggested I contact my insurance company and ask them for names of local docs because it all comes down to them. So he was no helpful at all. I wasted my time, and I felt even worse afterwards. So I’m going to call a therapist anyway, just to see what one will say. I figure it couldn’t hurt. But I’ve never come across a more annoying doctor. He’s up there with the doctor that suggested I try walking, when I came in for a yearly physical before I started to loose weight. Thanks doc, I know I was morbidly obese,but I sure never thought walking or exercise would help. Thanks for the breakthrough! Oh and thanks doctor no name for suggesting that my panic attacks where due to me being depressed and suicidal about not being a size 0. Thanks for nothing!
My car hates me and possible sabotage 08/04/2009
Yesterday was a very long day and I came to the realization that my car actually hates me, or possibly thinks I hate it. I got in the car and hit the little electronic controls on the side to move the seat up and it would not move. My boyfriend is much taller than me. So the car was so far back that I couldn’t even reach the pedals. I heard the motor buzzing but the seat would not budge. I got out the car and tried it without sitting on the seat, and the seat moved like a breeze. So either my car hates me or thinks I’m fat.
Yesterday also started a 8 week challenge on spark. I actually uploaded pic in just a bra and panties. I know! Crazy! Shocking! I can’t even think about the pic without feeling embarrassed. I couldn’t even imagine doing that at a heavier size.. Besides being weirdly shaped, my stomach is covered in stretch marks. But that’s how serious I am about getting fit. I was so serious that day that I wanted a good before pic. I needed something to motivate me. It’s easy to avoid my stomach in day the day life. It’s as easy as not looking down, and skipping full length mirrors. Both of which I’ve gotten use to since gaining lots of weight. It took a lot of guts to upload them, and I’m trying my best to fight the urge to remove them. I haven’t even looked at my photo album on spark since I uploaded them to my spark page. Hopefully me a few months from now they will make good before shots.
One a different note, and I really hate to say it but, yesterday I felt like I was being sabotaged. It was so weird. I told my boyfriend I joined an 8 week challenge on spark and I was trying to figure what I should set my goal as. So I said I was thinking about pledging at least 16 pounds, just to make it a challenge. He gets mad and says, “YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOSE ANY MORE WEIGHT” and then turns the music up in the car. I was thinking, what the f*ck?! I didn’t even say anything back because I didn’t even know what the heck that was supposed to mean. Lately he has been walking around the house calling himself fat and all that nonsense. So maybe that’s it. He claims he’s back up to 295 pounds. Also every time we go around his family they comment about my weight loss and tell him he needs to do something about his weight. I know how that feels, so I feel his pain about that. But years ago when we first met, he called me fat and told me, in so many words, that he wished I would loose weight. I was 197 at that time, so you can imagine over the years as I gained up to my highest weight I always had that, “I don’t like fat girls” comment in the back of my mind. At that time I didn’t even think I was that “fat”. He even told his family he was dating a fat girl, so when I met his cousin for the first time she was like, “you aren’t even fat, I don’t know why he said you were fat”. Somehow we made it pass that and we’ve been together for at least the last 5 years. With both us steadily gaining weight. So I guess since we were both trying to loose weight together, and he just stopped. He may feel like the tables have turned. But back to the story. After we got home that night I told him, after putting the kids to sleep, I would go going to the track to do some laps. So I put the kids to sleep, then put my exercise clothes and shoes on. Then as I’m looking for the keys he is like, “you should just stay here, If I was you I wouldn’t go walking on the track at night. “ So I’m like “I’ll be safe. There are lots of people on the track at night”. But then all of a sudden I couldn’t find either set of car keys. He said he placed them on the kitchen table but they weren’t there. I told him he was the last one with them, but now they are lost. I spent 30 mins looking for the car keys, then got frustrated, and decided just to work out at home. But it’s no space in the bedrooms to do it in front of the television and he was watching TV in the living room. I was so pissed that I just went to sleep. I spent my first day of my 8 week battle doing nothing exercise wise. So that sucked, of course in the morning both sets of keys were right in the living room, wtf?! Now I’m not saying it’s sabotage but it’s pretty fishy. Today is my daughter’s fourth birthday so I should go back to avoiding the cake in the ice cream.