So today pretty much sucks. I went to the Doctor and my lovely sutures around my belly button have opened up and are infected. At least its only one of the sites from the surgery. I really think they should have avoided the belly button region anyway. But tomorrow I have to return for some antibiotics and for them to close up the smelly hole that is about an inch from my belly button. Also while at the Doctor I found out that my grandfather passed away today. I’m not really sure how someone passes away while on life support. It doesn’t really make any sense to me. Just yesterday we were told his status hadn’t changed. But I guess tomorrow I will get more details. Everyone was all crying and upset on the phone so I couldn’t really understand what they were saying. It was crazy cause when my uncle told me I was like, “well can’t they do something”. I mean really with so much technology how does someone go in for a routine procedure and dies about a week later. I’m pretty sure an investigation will be done, because that’s a pretty unexpected way to go. Dumb ass doctors should have not changed operating rooms during the surgery. I really wish I would have spent more time in June with him. I should have just stayed down there in Florida till nursing school started back, instead of promising to return during the holidays. It just seems so unreal, like I might get a call and they will say they were able to revive him or something. But of course that call will never come. I’m just trying not to think about it really. That never ending week from hell just keeps on going.
An end to that never ending week? 08/28/2009
Saying that I have been busy would be an understatement. Even though this semester of school I’m only taking 12 credits (previously taken 15 credit hours) I still seem to just have so much to do. I haven’t even cracked open the text for my psych nursing yet. I’ve just been feeling pretty down. So usually when I am reading its usually something for pleasure as opposed to try to retain some information for a class. I picked up THE RICE MOTHER from the thrift store for just 95 cents and it’s pretty interesting. It reminds me a little of the JOY LUCK CLUB, or other books my Amy Tan. I much rather read that then my American Public Policy. Man that book is so dry, the class is interesting but the textbook reads like stereo instructions. I forgot about the pharm-cal test that they give at the start of each nursing semester. I took it on thurs, and drum roll please, failed it by one point. I really thought i passed it, boy was I wrong. I should have passed it with flying colors. At this point I can do dosage calculations, and IV drip rates with my eyes closed. I’ve been given injections long enough to know the various types, and procedures. I also didn’t have any problems with the drug classification section. I’ve been on antiemtics all week so I know that things like Zofran are used to treat nasuea and vomiting. Even people who have never set foot in a nursing class can list at least one NSAID like Motrin. That morning I even skipped the narcs so that my head would be clear enough to answear the questions. But my instructor was being a biznitch and took off points on every single one of my calculations. Not for me getting them wrong, I had all the right answers. But because I didn’t put gtts/min, ml, gr, g behind the answers. Why didn’t I do something so simple? Simply because it was already on the paper! WTF I didn’t think we had to put it there if it was already next to the blank space. She was trying to be funny. She was like how would I know you didn’t mean gallons per min. WTF when doesn’t an IV drip at drops per min? She drives me crazy. Yet I kinda like her, lol. I like her honesty. I like people who are real. She is very real. Even if she is a little crazy. The very first day she told us how her son tried to kill himself twice that week. He took like 60 pills of Wellbutrin. I thought I was candid, but she takes it to another level. She has even been an inpatient a few times at a psych hospital herself. Even though she is mean, and fails people left and right. Her story of her life made her seem less like a mean person, and more human. The craziest thing she’s said so far was that as a CNA she punched a patient in the face for spitting on her and walked off the job. I would never expect to hear that from an instructor at a university. She talks about Dr. Phil a lot too. She claims going on his show changed her and her daughter’s lives. After reading the transcript of the show, I think she does handle situations better. i just find it kind of curious that they let her teach psych, even though she has known psych issues. There are at least 15 people that have failed her class and are taken it again this year. So I have mixed feelings about this lady. I think I feel drawn to her because I am going through so much right now.
I try not to even think about my grandfather that is in the hospital. Its so crazy how sudden things can happen. Last Friday he went in the get a catheter put in for dialysis. Even though he does have complete renal failure, the last time I saw him he looked so well. It was just in June, he was playing with my children, and he just reminded me so much of how he always was. It was just last year that diabetes damaged his kidneys so bad that they stopped working. Before that he would get out each morning to volunteer, took care of his self, and was so full of life. When I saw him in June, even though his kidneys were shot he still had that spunk. Since he lives far away, and I was only staying a week but i promised I would be back down the first break I had in nursing school. That would have been this November. I never thought that he might not make it to then. So as I was saying when he went in the hospital Friday to have the catheter put in he was fine. During the operation to put it in, they had to use the ER room for a serious operation so they moved him, DURING THE PROCEDURE to another OR. We are told the surgery went okay, and my grandmother said he was talking and supposed to come home the next day. Instead she gets a call that he has a raging temperature, and low blood pressure. The doctors claim that they don’t know what is causing or could have caused his infection. On weds we found out they changed rooms, breaking the sterile field during surgery. The give him four antibiotics because his condition got much worse. He became completely unresponsive, and they cannot get his temperature down. Yesterday he went from just being in ICU in critical condition to being placed on full life support. His skin also started sloughing off, and the doctors say they don’t know what’s causing it. They did a biopsy of the skin and are waiting for the results. So possibly if they know exactly what he caught they can treat it properly. I really really hope they can turn things around. I cannot even think about him passing away, because he means so much to me. He and my grandmother live very far from the rest of the family, and if something happens to him my grandmother will have to return to live with one of her children. I can just imagine this must be an impossible time for her. Some of my family were able to fly to be with her, I really want to go too. But the school made it clear that by law we have to have so many hours of clinical hospital time. So we cannot miss more than 3 days in the whole program, or you cannot graduate. I thought about going down for the weekend but this Monday I have to have an MRI, to check on those bone lesions they found. If he doesn’t get better by next weekend I will fly out there to stay for a few days. I’m just so thankful that my daughter got to spend more time with him in June. I flew her down to meet him for the first time when she was only 2 months old, and she had been there at least twice a year for months at a time visiting so she had become very attached to him. My son got to meet him for the first time in June. I know its a part of life, and everyone has their time to go. But right now it just seems so unexpected, he was doing fine before his surgery on Friday. I didn’t even get to talk to him before he went because I was in so much pain, from my own health problems. When I say this has been a never ending week from hell, I’m not even joking. But still each day I have to go about each day acting, “normal” for the kids, my boyfriend, the family, my classmates, my teachers. I don’t want to be a complete stick in the mud or a complete downer. Today in the psych hospital I really wasn’t feeling it. We where watching a video on the dangers and warning signs of NMS which can be a deadly side effect of anti psychotic drugs like Haladol and every time the video mentioned someone dieing or having to be put on life support i had to wipe tears from my eyes. Thank goodness it was dark in there, because behavior like that isn’t really apprioate in that situation. I’m hoping that since this week is almost over, my never ending week from hell is over and things will start to turn around. I have been in less pain lately. I also really wanted to post the pics from my surgery but I can’t find the charger for my digital camera. Anyway this is getting way too long so I will end it here. Next week will be a great week. I puting it out there, sending positive thoughts out into the universire. So that they WILL come true. Next week will be a much better week.
Pain, Pain, and More Pain 08/25/2009
So my never ending week from hell (which is still continuing) all started on last Wednesday. I was going about my day like any other but I around 2pm I started having this nagging pain in my lower stomach. I didn’t think much of it, kept cleaning up the house and trying not to think about it. Around 4pm it was more like a stabbing feeling that would not go away. It was so painful that I could not even stand. I laid down in bed and I started thinking about my grandfather on my mothers side of the family. He passed away in 2003, but for some reason he was on my mind. Apparently it was foreshadowing the fact that my grandfather from my father’s side of the family would very soon be fighting for his own life. But anyway I was laying in bed thinking of my grandfather completely mad at myself because as he was slowly dieing of lung cancer I wrote a poem about him. I wanted to get a chance to read it to him before he passed, but I never got the opportunity because I did not know he would be dieing so suddenly from an accidental family induced drug overdose(long story), as opposed to lung cancer while I was away. So I never got to read it to him, and I hadn’t read the poem since I wrote it. I had a copy on my old computer but it crashed. However I thought I might have saved it on a disk somewhere in my keepsakes. So i was mad that I couldn’t find the disk, and couldn’t remember the poem. After laying down for an hour and the pain not going away, I slumped into the living room, laid on the couch and whipped out my laptop. I searched all over webmd for what might be causing my pain. I didn’t want to run off to the emergency room if it was going to be simple. The search came up with everything from a kidney stone to a ruptured appendix. So I decided to take some Motrin, I took about 800mg(doctors usually prescribe that much after surgery, normally most people take 400). I waited 30 mins and the pain was worse, and then I was nauseous. I threw up twice in the bathroom, and my side hurt even worse. I felt like I was in labor or something the pain was simply indescribable. I called my mother and asked could she drive me to the hospital. I couldn’t even stand on my own, let alone drive. So she picks me up and we head to the hospital. When we are exiting the highway(we choose to go to the hospital about 45mins away because they have much better care) I had to throw up again. So there I am on an exit ramp, with cars zooming all past me throwing up on a guard rail.
When i get to the hospital the triage nurse took me immediately to the back. I was so shocked because that has never happened to me in an emergency room. I felt like I had won the lottery or something lol. They took me straight to lab to draw blood and start and iv. By 4am that morning I had had a cat scan, an external ultrasound, and an hour long (most painful experience) vaginal ultrasound. I had received about 10 doses of diluadid (a narcotic), lots of toradol, lot of anti-nausea medicine and I was still in so much pain. The verdict was that I had a baseball sized cyst on my ovaries and lesions(like scars) on my pelvic bone. I freaked out because I was like what could have caused it and a cyst 10 by 10 inches was pretty big to be in that area. The kicker was i had just had a normal pelvic exam 3 months ago. So they said they weren’t sure, and that I needed to follow up on the bone lesions because its common in patients with cancer that has metastasised to the bone. So of course I was scared to death, they sent me home and told me to come back in office for an MRI. Freaking insurance, none of what I was going through warranted an emergency room visit in there book so I had to get out of the emergency room. So they gave me more anti nausea medication, some Vicodin, and Motrin to take until Friday(the next day) when I could get into see the doc. I was popping pills round the clock and I was still in so much pain. By the time I made it to the doctors office on Friday all I could do was lie in a fetal position on the examining room table. I had another vaginal exam, this time i was in so much pain the mere touching of my stomach had me screaming. They told me to leave and go back to the emergency room. They didn’t know if the cyst was causing the pain, they didn’t know what was going on.
Once I made it to the emergency room I was admitted in the hospital, got another jacked up IV, and was informed I would be having abdominal surgery. My temperature was skyrocketing, and my blood pressure dropping. They gave me 5 bags of potassium. At one point the drip rate was set too high on the potassium(change of shift nurse messing with IV pole) and the potassium started to burn my arm. It normally will burn just a little while going in, but it was burning so much i couldn”t move my arm. I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore, I couldn’t even wiggle them. I started screaming, and my arm felt like it was on fire. I’ve felt a burn from certain IV fluids, but never light someone had just ignited my arm with some lighter fluid. I almost pulled the IV out of my own arm, that’s how bad I was freaking out. The nurse came running in and turned the potassium back down and had to restart the IV in another arm because my arm was swollen. It is still very bruised and sore to this day(4 days later). When they started the new line, they gave me a Dilaudid pain pump. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. When I finally got to sleep at 3am, some genius came in and told me they needed more blood. They couldn’t take it from the IV line because I was receiving more potassium there(maybe from all the vomiting, it was so low). So he tried twice in the other arm. Finally he got it .
Around 10am the surgeon came in and explained that i would be having lapocsocpic surgery, but since they did not know what really was the problem, it might turn into full abdominal surgery. They told me the risks, which of course included death, having to have a permanent colostomy bag, or Foley catheter, or numerous other things. So that had me really scared. But they said if everything goes well it should only take about an hour to complete the surgery. So they wheeled me down, and 4 hours later I was wheeled to the recovery room. Of course my family was freaking out because they taught it was only going to be a 1 hour surgery and it turned into 4 hours. When I got back to my room, they say its a good thing that I got it done. They said that the cyst was wrapped from one side of my ovaries and fallopian tubes all the way to the other side. It was twisting and cutting off blood/oxygen to the whole area. If I would have waited I would have possibly ended up having to have a hysterectomy. They said the surgery took so long because they tried their best to save everything(which they said they were able to do, and that region is pretty resilient so I should be able to have kids in the the future again). I didn’t even care about all that because all that mattered was that the pain wasn’t as bad. I hurt, but I didn’t hurt as much. I had three pukey looking holes in my stomach but anything was better than the pain. So they released me from the hospital so I was able to go home the next day. Unfortunately I went home to a 98 degree house with no AC. Apparently when I was in the hospital the motor on the central air decided to die. So there I was two fans blasting on me, sweating my butt off, and trying to recover from abdominal surgery. Now to top it off, since leaving the hospital I’ve been fighting a cold and them time of the month. So needless to say that I am pretty miserable. I am going to add pics to this post later, because my camera is charging right now. But they are pretty gross. So that is the first part of my never ending week from hell. Today was the first day of my last year of nursing school, so I have a lot of homework to complete. I am going to try to see how much of that information that I can retain through my pain meds, I am also hoping that I will have a BM soon, because I haven’t had one since I got sick(going on a week now), and my stomach is still very painful and bloated. The only good thing about today was seeing all the other nursing students. The last time they saw me I was 220 pounds, I’m now 179. So they all said i looked great, even though I felt like crap. It was a little annoying to have to walk around in an over sized shirt and not being able to button my pants over my suture site. My Doctor has put off exercising and any strenuous activity for the next 4 weeks. So that will slow my weight loss of course. I had to buy a polo shirt out of our school bookstore for psych clinical rotations that start on Friday and I picked up an extra large. As I was getting ready to check out on of the students was like, I know that shirt isn’t for you is it. That will be way to big. She was right, i ended up buying a medium and it still fits loose. I was thrilled about that because I feel so much bigger with the bloating from the surgery. So I guess there is always a silver lining on a cloudy day somewhere.
The neverending week from hell 08/24/2009
This past, and current week has been a neverending week from hell. So this will be a multible posting day. I have so much to update on. I will be posting about my intense pain, leading to a nightmare hospital experience, leading to me having to have emergency surgery. I will also include pictures from my sutures, and my tramatized arms (brusied and blown viens). I will also post about my grandfather being in critical condition in the ICU right now. As well as the doctor I menetentioned in my last post calling me on the phone today, and leading me in a very lively conversation. There’s so much to say, and update about. So in order not to have one extremely long post, I’m going to break it up into smaller posts throughout the day. Excuse any grammical errors, because my faitful spell checker in google chrome is on the fritz as well as the side effects of the little bottle of percot I have on hand. However I will try to keep it as legible as possible. But before I begin posting I just wanted to start off with a simple THANKS! I wanted to thank all that have visted my blog in my absense. Even though I have no idea who you are, in the days when I was in the hopsital I had at least 63 vistis to the blog on one day and many more on the following days. It is kind people out there that really move me, and inspire me. There are some really great people in the LJ community 100pounds2loose who have always been there for a helping hand, a pat on the back, and just general support. While I know no one knows everything but those ladies/gentelmen over there are very helpful with dieting advice, and just all over wisdom. Many of times I have tured to them when I felt frustrated, disappointed, or just plain dissatified in this weight loss journey. There are even a few particular girls that even though I do not know them in real life, I feel for them as if they were friends. I root for them when they are doing well, and I feel their pain when they stumble. I just think its wonderful to be able to find support, understanding, and acceptance from so many people going through the same expriences as I am. There are so many great people on Sparkpeople that have been a great source of knowlege, motivation, and inspiration to me along this journey. I get a lot of, “your an inspiration” comments from new members but little do they know they are the ones that motivate me. It just touches my heart to know that there are so many good people out there trying, struggling, and fighting to succed at meeting their goals. Its like I want for them to make it, I want us all to make it! Not just in meeting our weight and fitness goals, but our life goals. It just amazes me how we may share a common thread with our struggles with weight or health and we still have that ability to give and make an inpact on each other’s lives. Not just an inpact, but a meanigful inpact. With struggles with weight, we can have a lot of self esteem problems, or just really feel down in general but it’s great to know you aren’t alone, and no one has to stuggle in the dark or by themselves. You wouldn’t believe how many people have reached out to me for help or support. Feeling like there could not be a tomorrow, or feeling like a complete failure. Just to see that turn around, that glimmer of hope, that belief in themselves is truely meaningful. Personally I am beyound thankful for your support, inspiration, motivation, and understanding. Thank you!
Thanks for nothing Doc! 08/17/2009
So I finally mustered up the courage to speak to a doctor about my anxiety issues. I’ve been suffering from some sort of anxiety for a while now. It peaked during my time in college(well my first time in college, cause I’m still there ha!). When I lived on campus I would have anxiety attacks if I had to eat in the huge cafeteria without someone I knew. I even went through it in high school, but it was easier because I would just not eat then. But in college when most of your meals are supposed to be furnished through the caf, having anxiety attacks upon entering the huge space with all these students I didn’t know would send me off into full blown panic modes. I would start to sweat, heart would race, and I would feel sick to my stomach. I’m not really sure why that is. Maybe I felt everyone would be like, “hey look at that overweight girl siting by herself in the caf, ha ha she’s going back for seconds, wait thirds!” So if my friends weren’t going, then neither was I. Well since my college mates schedules’ did not revolve around mine, it led to a lot of eating alone in my room. These sessions were usually pizza pies, followed by hot wings, not to be outdone by chips, candy, and soda. Now of course I don’t live on campus and I’m not even a traditional college student so I don’t run into those problems anymore. So now my anxiety has manifested itself in the form of driving. Whenever I’m on a highway bridge I freak out. The bad thing is where I live I am surrounded by water. You pretty much have to go to a tunnel/bridge to get anywhere. So since my anxiety seemed to be getting worse. I thought I was doing the right thing by seeking help. So I called the doc and made an appointment. When I get there the nurse asks me what is wrong, and I tell her I have been having really bad anxiety whenever I have to drive through tunnels and on bridges. The nurse goes, and I kid you not, “So you aren’t having vaginal irritation?” I’m like, “What?! No! Anxiety, I called and made an appointment about anxiety”. So she tells me that on the paper it says something different. Stupid making appointments for the wrong reasons receptionist! So I was completely embarrassed as she began to put away all the equipment that a doctor would use for such things as a pelvic exam back with an attitude. I guess its my fault that the receptionist mistook, anxiety attacks for a sexually transmitted disease. I should have took that as a sign to get out of there quick. But I didn’t so the nurse left, and in comes a student doctor/intern. He was kinda cool, he asked such probing questions about my anxiety. I was almost brought to tears because I felt like finally I would be getting relief. So he said he would be back in a minute with the doctor. So I lay back on the table and try to get some rest. I hadn’t ate or drank anything all day because I wanted to get blood work drawn, like cholesterol and lipids while I was there. So the doc comes in with the student. I describe my feelings to him as I’m driving over a bridge. I tell him that I start sweating, heart racing, tunnel vision, nausea, and just a really bad feeling to the point where I just want to pull over on the side of the road. He says,” it sounds like you are having panic attacks”. Well okay doc i kinda figured that out for myself. Then he says, “I won’t prescribe you any meds, because I think you can deal with this on your own”. I tell him for the last year it’s been getting worse, and each day of the week I have to cross at least one tunnel if not two to get where I have to go. He says, “too bad there isn’t a public transportation option that you can partake in, what about having friends or family drive you where you need to go” Okay now I was getting annoyed. So I should resort to being some freak show that has to driven around by others. I tell him at least two of my family members where almost killed in tunnel accidents, and maybe that is why I am freaking out so much. He says, “maybe but…”and looks like he is thinking. I already felt vulnerable, and a little nutty for admitting that I was having anxiety problems. Even though I know it runs in my family. But this doctor was making it worse. Little did I know it was about to good from slightly annoying to downright insulting. Then doctor what ever his name was (my doctor is on vacation and he is a stand in), suggested that maybe my anxiety was linked to depression and that if I lost weight I wouldn’t be as depressed, and therefore would not have anxiety. So I tell him that hey doc I’ve lost at least 81 pounds. He then asks me If I did it on purpose. That one caught me off guard. How the heck does one loose 81 pounds by mistake? I tell him I of course wanted to loose weight. I told him I went from being morbidly obese to being right on the obese/overweight line for my BMI. He looked pretty unbelieving, and wanted to know what I did. After giving him a rundown, he told me that If I lost more weight i would be less depressed, and I would feel better. Mind you I never once said anything about being depressed. He then asked If I ever thought about killing myself or if I had problems sleeping at night. So I guess within our little 10 min chat he was trying to peg me as suicidal too. Then he said maybe if I talked about my feelings with a therapist my anxiety would go away. Since I hold no Phd, I say sure I’ll try that thinking that he will give me a name or somewhere to start. But he wouldn’t even give me a number or a recommendation. He suggested I contact my insurance company and ask them for names of local docs because it all comes down to them. So he was no helpful at all. I wasted my time, and I felt even worse afterwards. So I’m going to call a therapist anyway, just to see what one will say. I figure it couldn’t hurt. But I’ve never come across a more annoying doctor. He’s up there with the doctor that suggested I try walking, when I came in for a yearly physical before I started to loose weight. Thanks doc, I know I was morbidly obese,but I sure never thought walking or exercise would help. Thanks for the breakthrough! Oh and thanks doctor no name for suggesting that my panic attacks where due to me being depressed and suicidal about not being a size 0. Thanks for nothing!
Since my computer is going in and out, and I have a lot to type about. I will be making different posts for each topic.
It’s been a little while since I have posted. That has been completely related to the fact that my touch sensitive lap top has become almost unresponsive to touch. But here’s the kicker when it is responsive, it spends its time knocking me off the Internet or teasing with letting me type 2 sentences then stopping functioning. Since it’s still completely under warranty, I called the company to help me repair it or at least figure out what was going on. It hasn’t even been a year since I had it. When I first got it I was all starry eyed and in love. But for the last week I’ve been fighting the urge to “accidentally” knock it off the couch and let my children walk all over it. But I have resisted and called the company. I talked to 4 customer service reps, i don’t even want to rehash the nonsense they suggested I do. I won’t even touch on the language barrier, or the fact that one guy advised me to take a screwdriver to it. Needless to say, our chats ended quickly. One the fourth try I finally came across someone that was from this planet, and who understood that I did not hold a degree in advanced computer technology. She suggested I send it back to them, and they will send me another one. Wow I get to trade my new over 1,000 dollar computer for some refurbished crap that someone left on the side of the road! Then to top it off she asked if I had anything important on the computer that I wanted to keep. Really lady? Seriously, I’ve been using this computer strictly as a paper weight for the last few months. So now I am responsible to do the ultimate task of transferring all my files, pictures, and games to another computer. Err just the thought of it drives me crazy. I haven’t even started. The largest flash drive I have is 2 gigs. My computer can hold over 500 gigs. So I have some work cut out for me. In all honestly I do have three other computers. I have my desktop which is 4 years old and might as well be from the 1980’s when it comes to technology. I mean it can serve a purpose but my desire to use it is close to zero. All being the fact that I will have to drag a chair to the computer desk and do all my computing from an upright position. I’m slightly too lazy at this point to give up my comfort spot of laying on the couch and typing mindlessly away while my children destroy our computer/play room. I also have two other laptops, one I brought used back in 1998. I only paid 200 so you can guess how useful it is now. It’s also about the size of my desktop. So that’s a no go. I think I’m keeping it as a collectors item so when my kids get older they can laugh and joke about the technology we used to suffer through. A floppy disk drive!…do they even sell floppy disks anymore? I also have another laptop which is also fairly new, that I got on sale at walmart. They were so cheap(under 300), I brought 5 of them and sold them for extra pocket money. They aren’t bad for what I was selling them for. They have 4 gig Ram, 250 gigs of Rom, but the graphics card is equivalent to playing Mario brothers on the original Nintendo game system. So it is really of no use for me, because I am somewhat (a lot) into playing games, and the sims 3 would crash and burn upon turning it on. I currently just use it to download stuff. So it’s full of all the viruses and malware you can think of. So that explains all the computer trouble of been going through lately. Hopefully it will be ending soon. Either by me slamming my beloved ex-favorite laptop against the wall, or doing what the tech say so I can be sent a refurbished junk yard replacement.
My car hates me and possible sabotage 08/04/2009
Yesterday was a very long day and I came to the realization that my car actually hates me, or possibly thinks I hate it. I got in the car and hit the little electronic controls on the side to move the seat up and it would not move. My boyfriend is much taller than me. So the car was so far back that I couldn’t even reach the pedals. I heard the motor buzzing but the seat would not budge. I got out the car and tried it without sitting on the seat, and the seat moved like a breeze. So either my car hates me or thinks I’m fat.
Yesterday also started a 8 week challenge on spark. I actually uploaded pic in just a bra and panties. I know! Crazy! Shocking! I can’t even think about the pic without feeling embarrassed. I couldn’t even imagine doing that at a heavier size.. Besides being weirdly shaped, my stomach is covered in stretch marks. But that’s how serious I am about getting fit. I was so serious that day that I wanted a good before pic. I needed something to motivate me. It’s easy to avoid my stomach in day the day life. It’s as easy as not looking down, and skipping full length mirrors. Both of which I’ve gotten use to since gaining lots of weight. It took a lot of guts to upload them, and I’m trying my best to fight the urge to remove them. I haven’t even looked at my photo album on spark since I uploaded them to my spark page. Hopefully me a few months from now they will make good before shots.
One a different note, and I really hate to say it but, yesterday I felt like I was being sabotaged. It was so weird. I told my boyfriend I joined an 8 week challenge on spark and I was trying to figure what I should set my goal as. So I said I was thinking about pledging at least 16 pounds, just to make it a challenge. He gets mad and says, “YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOSE ANY MORE WEIGHT” and then turns the music up in the car. I was thinking, what the f*ck?! I didn’t even say anything back because I didn’t even know what the heck that was supposed to mean. Lately he has been walking around the house calling himself fat and all that nonsense. So maybe that’s it. He claims he’s back up to 295 pounds. Also every time we go around his family they comment about my weight loss and tell him he needs to do something about his weight. I know how that feels, so I feel his pain about that. But years ago when we first met, he called me fat and told me, in so many words, that he wished I would loose weight. I was 197 at that time, so you can imagine over the years as I gained up to my highest weight I always had that, “I don’t like fat girls” comment in the back of my mind. At that time I didn’t even think I was that “fat”. He even told his family he was dating a fat girl, so when I met his cousin for the first time she was like, “you aren’t even fat, I don’t know why he said you were fat”. Somehow we made it pass that and we’ve been together for at least the last 5 years. With both us steadily gaining weight. So I guess since we were both trying to loose weight together, and he just stopped. He may feel like the tables have turned. But back to the story. After we got home that night I told him, after putting the kids to sleep, I would go going to the track to do some laps. So I put the kids to sleep, then put my exercise clothes and shoes on. Then as I’m looking for the keys he is like, “you should just stay here, If I was you I wouldn’t go walking on the track at night. “ So I’m like “I’ll be safe. There are lots of people on the track at night”. But then all of a sudden I couldn’t find either set of car keys. He said he placed them on the kitchen table but they weren’t there. I told him he was the last one with them, but now they are lost. I spent 30 mins looking for the car keys, then got frustrated, and decided just to work out at home. But it’s no space in the bedrooms to do it in front of the television and he was watching TV in the living room. I was so pissed that I just went to sleep. I spent my first day of my 8 week battle doing nothing exercise wise. So that sucked, of course in the morning both sets of keys were right in the living room, wtf?! Now I’m not saying it’s sabotage but it’s pretty fishy. Today is my daughter’s fourth birthday so I should go back to avoiding the cake in the ice cream.