So I’m at the point where I need to either loose weight or buy a mumu. You know one of those large dresses that cling nowhere. Like I feel like I am cutting off my circulation trying to squeeze into the close that are way too tight. So of course when I lost weight before I had the bright idea to donate my clothes to a battered womens shelter as I grew out of them. I started at a size 22 and I went down to a size 10 so I donated lots of clothes and shoes. At the time I was thinking, “you can’t regain weight if you don’t have clothes to fit in”. So I was more than happy that I was able to give the clothes away. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS I kept of pair of “fat” jeans. They are a size 16 and are the only ones I can actually fit into as soon as the size 10’s became tight. So here is my problem all the clothes I have are nursing scrubs, one pair of jeans, and one pair of sweats. That is all that I can fit. So everyday I look like I’m pretty much always just getting off work. I have been trying to avoid buying new clothes at this size. I don’t even know what size that is right now. I just know it’s somewhere between not a10 and not a 16. So I am at the point where I either need to really get serious about loosing weight or to invest in some mumus.
Not a thin girl is back..and still not thin 06/22/2010
So I’m back now. I’m ready to get back on track…………….
So here I am back at the same place, with not as much to loose but with just as much frustration. So last year I joined spark and I went from 260 pounds to 169 pounds. It was a fun journey, I had more energy and it was nice to be closer to my goal. Then pretty much out of nowhere I had someone very close to me die suddenly of septic shock. It was pretty gruesome way to go, so it hit me kind of hard. Then I had an ovarian cyst the size of a baseball that had to be removed because it was cutting off my circulation (very painful), then mix that with the stress of my final year of nursing school and raising 2 small children. So I started going through a bad depression, and I started having bad anxiety. Long story short went to doc and got some anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds. They helped with the anxiety and the depression but I never felt satisfied with food. I was always hungry! At first it was okay because I hovered between 170 and 180 for about three months. Then woke up one morning and I was 190, then most recently 210 . But the problem with this medication, and yes weight gain is a side effect, is that it makes you so mellow that you loose that ump and that motivation to really want to loose weight. So that’s the problem where I should be running around working out and swearing off sweets, I’m still always hungry and like, “hey I’m only 210, not a big deal I’ll have more cake”. But I really enjoyed being thinner and I want to go back there. So despite feeling always hungry right now I’m gonna do it! I’m tapering off the meds, so that should help with my appetite. I think I will go walking today.
So even though I’m back here again, I will do it. I will loose the weight I regained and finally hit goal. This time around seems like it will be harder. But I am up for the challenge.
You are losing weight because you have cancer…
Yes believe it or not that was actually told to me by a family member?!?! What do you say to that? So I was talking to said person, and I get the “how much do you weigh now?” comment that I’ve been getting a lot lately. I say 173 pounds I haven’t been on the scale in weeks. That’s how busy I’ve been. At this point i am beyond busy. Anyway that before mentioned person apparently didn’t believe me and tried to tell me that I was about 130 pounds. Umm no, I think I would have a better idea then some random guesstimate from a family member. So apparently since I’m a liar or delusional. This family member, now remember this is immediate family the only reason I’m not saying who is because it would make the situation seem even more crazy, then precedes to get a scale and make me weigh myself. Even though I was reaching the point of being majorly annoyed. I got on the scale, and it said 169. So granted i was 4 pounds off, but I haven’t been on a scale in two weeks. Waking up at 5 am to be at the hospital at 7 in the morning leaves no time to mess around with the scale. Then once again I get the same question that I got from the doctor that time I went about my anxiety(read back a few posts to see what I am talking about). This family member, she hits me with the, “are you trying to lose weight?’ What? Huh? Oh here we go again! So i say I am trying to loose weight. But lately I’ve been kinda slacking, no exercise and eating fast food often, well very often(Burger kings angry tendercrisp sandwich should be my new name). So even though lately I am a little off I am still mindful of my food choices and such. But apparently that comment wasn’t good enough because then she asks me if I got my MRI done yet (back when I had to have emergency surgery the docs recommended that I get an MRI on my pelvic bone because there are some scars/lesions there). But the doctor said it could just be normal from when the bones were growing, if it was serious I would be having lots of pain in the area. But they wanted me to schedule an MRI just to be 100%. So granted I haven’t got it done yet. The only days I have free are Monday’s and I haven’t even had a free one of those in a while. But back to the story. So i tell her I haven’t gotten the MRI yet, and she goes, “you are losing weight because you have cancer, you know cancer can cause weight loss!”. I just have to lol at that one. Sure not diet, not exercise but cancer?! WoW who knew?! Now if that’s not frustrating then what is? That’s just the most recent craziness that’s been going on in my life. I’ll be back later today to fill you in on what’s been going on while I was gone. Thanks to those who still visited in my absence.
Day 33: 52 to Brand New 09/02/2009
Finally an update about my weight and my progress!! Whoo this has been the month to end all months. I’ve been thrown curve balls left and right. You know that saying, “if it’s not one thing, then it’s the other”? Well if it’s not one thing, it’s about 3 more things that will try to throw you off track and send you heading in the opposite direction. My favorite quote, “Ever forward”! That’s what I’m trying to do, keep moving forward, getting up and keeping it moving. So I took my measurement and weight about 3 days ago but I am just getting around to posting it. For those that don’t know 52 to brand new is my challenge just to track how long it takes me to loose my last 52 pounds. So here is the information:
Highest weight: 260
Current Weight: 175
Pounds lost during 52 to brand new: 7
Total pounds lost: 85
Waist: 34.5 (1 inch difference)
Muffin top waist: 39 (.5 inch difference)
Thighs: 25 (1.6 difference)
Arms: 13 (.7 difference)
hips: 40 (3 inch difference)
Under breast : 32 (1 inch difference)
Chest : 35 (same)
Neck : 13 (1 inch difference)
Total inches lost during 52 to brand new: 8.8
Highest BMI: 43.3 Obese class 3, Morbid Obese
52 to brand new start BMI: 30.3, Obese class 1
Current BMI: 29.1, Over weight
Reflections for month: Didn’t really work out like I should have, even before the emergency surgery. Right now I am on restriction for about 2 more weeks. I’m not supposed to do strenuous movements or lift over 10 pounds. My Doctor told me to remember that I have had major abdominal surgery. My diet has also been hit and miss. I was doing good food wise before a lot of the drama. However for the last 2 weeks of this month it’s been pretty hit and miss. Having two servings of ice cream a day is not good for you even if it is diet ice cream (during the first 2 weeks). So even though I lost 7 pounds this month, it could have been much better with more exercise and a better diet. Some high notes are that I wore my first pair of size 10 pants to clinical, with a white shirt tucked in! I can’t even remember the last time I have been this small so that was encouraging. I really really really need to get back to exercising. My stomach which looked pretty big before, looks even worse now. I’m sure that is due to the surgery and now infected sutures post surgery. But if you have visited my sparkpage and seen my stomach shots, just image a body looking even more crazily proportioned. I’ve lost the most inches on my hips this month. I can’t wait to really start losing my tummy! After surgery I was joking with my doctor. I asked her why when she was in there removing a base ball sized cyst did she not just go ahead and give me a tummy tuck. That would have been nice. So my new goals for the next 30 days:
Eat better (more veggies)
Get at least 8hrs of sleep
Slowly get back into working out
Hopefully start dropping some inches on my stomach!
I started this as a weight loss blog and I’ve been posting about everything but losing weight for the last couple of posts and the trend continues, well at least right now. Today I woke up feeling 100% better despite all the crap I’ve been going through. For the last 3 days my eating has been off the wall. The night I found out my grandfather died, I went out at 9:30 at night brought a 12 pack of Ultra lite, and some fried chicken, and a bottle of hot sauce. I ended up eating one breast doused in hot sauce and drinking 3 beers. Speaking of emotional eating, before I even left the house I at 3 diet candy bars(they are high fiber, low sugar but taste so good). The next day featured more hot sauce, beer(2) and friend chicken for dinner, after eating fast food for lunch. Tonight hasn’t been much better, Chinese food for dinner but no alcohol. The bad thing is I have no appetite. I have just this empty feeling, that I am just mindlessly eating to fill. I thought I was over that, and beyond the emotional eating. Granted I’m not binging like I would do in the past. I haven’t crushed a whole bag of cookies, or a thing of ice cream in one sitting. I’m just eating stuff I normally wouldn’t be eating. Does it make me feel better? Nope, not at all. If anything I felt worse after eating the crap, because I know its wrong. But each day is a new day, and a new start. So tomorrow I will do better, I will try.
This morning I woke up in a fairly good mood. I had a good breakfast, a cup of green tea and I got a lot of cleaning done. My psych clinical was canceled so I didn’t have to go to class or the hospital today. Instead we were told to find an NA meeting or an AA meeting to attend. Tonight I went to the AA meeting and tomorrow night I have to go to an NA meeting so that I can compare and contrast the two formats. So I am wondering will it be as interesting as the AA meeting. We have to do this is in an effort to gain insight into the whole process before we come into contact with addicts and such during psych rotations. The big thing with doing rotations in the psych hospital is to check your own judgements and feelings at the door. So I had no problem going to a meeting. I have come in pretty close contact with addicts and substance abusers in my life so I have a negative feeling about addiction and recovery. Honestly I don’t believe in recovery. show me a recovered addict and I will show you someone one step away from a drink and a hit. But I went to the meeting, because it’s not about how I feel about it. Its about how the patients feel about it. Well I think it’s great that people are getting help, and want change. I’ve just had too much experience with that relapsing addict. During the meeting I felt kind of weird at first because I had such negative feelings about the situation. I also kept getting stared at. When it was my turn to “share” into their discussion about pride, humility, and serenity. I talked a little about it, then I told them I’ve been through a lot lately. I told them I just had emergency surgery, I just lost my grandfather, who felt more like my father than my own dad, and that I had just started the hardest year of my nursing school. I also told them I have been dealing with my stress and emotions with alcohol. I didn’t say I was an addict or pick up those chips they were passing around or anything like that. But I didn’t want to sit there like a bump on a long, so I joined in their discussions. The stories’ the men and woman shared were very interesting. Even though a lot of them relapsed a lot I didn’t feel the same bitterness and negativity as I did when I went in with. I found them inspiring because they were trying, even if not succeeding.
Most of the stories I could relate to personally or with my experience with dealing with addicts. But on a personal level I felt like it related to my current spiraling. I won’t say spiraling out of control but more playing with fire. Starting to drink again, and knowingly emotionally eating is a slippery slop for me. I know for a fact that I was a food addict in the past. The simple act of eating a cookie was enough to get me “high”, sometimes one would do. But most of the time I would find myself back in the kitchen no later than 10 minutes. I was that snacker in bed. Before going to sleep at night I would have my doughnut sticks as my reward for a hard day. If I felt sad, I ate. If I felt tired, I ate. I really didn’t even need an excuse to eat. I ate despite being stuffed or full, or not even hungry. It was my addiction. For me alcohol and excess food were like both cut from the same cloth. If I was having some beer then I just HAD to have my two bag of chips, pack of m&ms, beef jerky, and some other candy. You know you got it bad when you make sure you have backup snacks in the house just in case you run out and you NEED to have some more. So I’ve come a long way, but this past week I’ve found myself playing with fire, and not just craving alcohol but feeling like I NEED it. Not just craving bad for you food (I swear these diet candy bars taste just like Pay days and Snickers with just 1 gram of sugar), but feeling like I NEED it. I’ve also been so snappy, moody, and an all around b*tch. That’s why I have been limiting my time of LJ and Spark because the littlest things have been setting me off. But that is sooo not like me usually. Like in the last post I mentioned that I went to the docotor about my sutures opening up and drainng all over the place. But you should have heard the argument I got in with the docotor. I have NEVER talked to a medical professional like that before in my life. She told me she didn’t see any drainage while see was wiping the suture with some gauze. Of course all she had to do was turn it over and look at the brownish greenish crap on the other side. But before she had the chance, as soon as she said she didn’t see anything I was like, “Are you serious? Did you even finish medical school? If you can’t tell this is infected then there is something wrong with you. take a look at this suture, you see how nice and closed it is. Now look back at this one, big gaping wound with pus drainage, and it’s smelly. If you think that’s normal then you need to find a new profession” What a b*tch I was, poor lady! She said she didn’t mean it wasn’t infected she was just talking to herself while she was doing her assessment. But needless to say my little rant had her shuck. I won’t even continue with the rest of the conversation but lets just say before I left the office that day a supervisor or attending or whatever she said she was came in with an attitude just as bad as mine. She said her piece while rolling her eyes continuously at me and stormed off. Just as a side note this was not my normal Doctor or the Doctor that did the surgery. These were new people I had never seen before. Despite the pain I was in or what i was feeling at the time, my behavior was inexcusable. I just had no patience or tolerance for nonsense that day. I guess I was so short tempered with her because I had been having such a bad experience with Doctor’s lately. So you see I’ve been really short tempered lately. I need to get that in check fast, you can’t be in this profession and not expect to have situations where you HAVE to turn the other cheek. Where you HAVE to let stuff go. So I need to take a big woos-ha now and get over it all, and just do what I have to do. So that is my confession, I confess that I have been eating bad for the last 3 days. I confess that I have been drinking for the last two days. I also confess that I have been displacing my feelings. Instead of being all sad and mopey I’ve been a B for not good reason at all. I confess that I don’t have all the answers. I also confess that I am still a work in progress. I really believe we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge so I am acknowledging my current flaws. While I’m not fully off track, I am zig zaging all over the place. All I can do is try to do that right thing each day. I will strive to make each day better than the last.
R.I.P Papa, I love you 08/31/2009
So today pretty much sucks. I went to the Doctor and my lovely sutures around my belly button have opened up and are infected. At least its only one of the sites from the surgery. I really think they should have avoided the belly button region anyway. But tomorrow I have to return for some antibiotics and for them to close up the smelly hole that is about an inch from my belly button. Also while at the Doctor I found out that my grandfather passed away today. I’m not really sure how someone passes away while on life support. It doesn’t really make any sense to me. Just yesterday we were told his status hadn’t changed. But I guess tomorrow I will get more details. Everyone was all crying and upset on the phone so I couldn’t really understand what they were saying. It was crazy cause when my uncle told me I was like, “well can’t they do something”. I mean really with so much technology how does someone go in for a routine procedure and dies about a week later. I’m pretty sure an investigation will be done, because that’s a pretty unexpected way to go. Dumb ass doctors should have not changed operating rooms during the surgery. I really wish I would have spent more time in June with him. I should have just stayed down there in Florida till nursing school started back, instead of promising to return during the holidays. It just seems so unreal, like I might get a call and they will say they were able to revive him or something. But of course that call will never come. I’m just trying not to think about it really. That never ending week from hell just keeps on going.
An end to that never ending week? 08/28/2009
Saying that I have been busy would be an understatement. Even though this semester of school I’m only taking 12 credits (previously taken 15 credit hours) I still seem to just have so much to do. I haven’t even cracked open the text for my psych nursing yet. I’ve just been feeling pretty down. So usually when I am reading its usually something for pleasure as opposed to try to retain some information for a class. I picked up THE RICE MOTHER from the thrift store for just 95 cents and it’s pretty interesting. It reminds me a little of the JOY LUCK CLUB, or other books my Amy Tan. I much rather read that then my American Public Policy. Man that book is so dry, the class is interesting but the textbook reads like stereo instructions. I forgot about the pharm-cal test that they give at the start of each nursing semester. I took it on thurs, and drum roll please, failed it by one point. I really thought i passed it, boy was I wrong. I should have passed it with flying colors. At this point I can do dosage calculations, and IV drip rates with my eyes closed. I’ve been given injections long enough to know the various types, and procedures. I also didn’t have any problems with the drug classification section. I’ve been on antiemtics all week so I know that things like Zofran are used to treat nasuea and vomiting. Even people who have never set foot in a nursing class can list at least one NSAID like Motrin. That morning I even skipped the narcs so that my head would be clear enough to answear the questions. But my instructor was being a biznitch and took off points on every single one of my calculations. Not for me getting them wrong, I had all the right answers. But because I didn’t put gtts/min, ml, gr, g behind the answers. Why didn’t I do something so simple? Simply because it was already on the paper! WTF I didn’t think we had to put it there if it was already next to the blank space. She was trying to be funny. She was like how would I know you didn’t mean gallons per min. WTF when doesn’t an IV drip at drops per min? She drives me crazy. Yet I kinda like her, lol. I like her honesty. I like people who are real. She is very real. Even if she is a little crazy. The very first day she told us how her son tried to kill himself twice that week. He took like 60 pills of Wellbutrin. I thought I was candid, but she takes it to another level. She has even been an inpatient a few times at a psych hospital herself. Even though she is mean, and fails people left and right. Her story of her life made her seem less like a mean person, and more human. The craziest thing she’s said so far was that as a CNA she punched a patient in the face for spitting on her and walked off the job. I would never expect to hear that from an instructor at a university. She talks about Dr. Phil a lot too. She claims going on his show changed her and her daughter’s lives. After reading the transcript of the show, I think she does handle situations better. i just find it kind of curious that they let her teach psych, even though she has known psych issues. There are at least 15 people that have failed her class and are taken it again this year. So I have mixed feelings about this lady. I think I feel drawn to her because I am going through so much right now.
I try not to even think about my grandfather that is in the hospital. Its so crazy how sudden things can happen. Last Friday he went in the get a catheter put in for dialysis. Even though he does have complete renal failure, the last time I saw him he looked so well. It was just in June, he was playing with my children, and he just reminded me so much of how he always was. It was just last year that diabetes damaged his kidneys so bad that they stopped working. Before that he would get out each morning to volunteer, took care of his self, and was so full of life. When I saw him in June, even though his kidneys were shot he still had that spunk. Since he lives far away, and I was only staying a week but i promised I would be back down the first break I had in nursing school. That would have been this November. I never thought that he might not make it to then. So as I was saying when he went in the hospital Friday to have the catheter put in he was fine. During the operation to put it in, they had to use the ER room for a serious operation so they moved him, DURING THE PROCEDURE to another OR. We are told the surgery went okay, and my grandmother said he was talking and supposed to come home the next day. Instead she gets a call that he has a raging temperature, and low blood pressure. The doctors claim that they don’t know what is causing or could have caused his infection. On weds we found out they changed rooms, breaking the sterile field during surgery. The give him four antibiotics because his condition got much worse. He became completely unresponsive, and they cannot get his temperature down. Yesterday he went from just being in ICU in critical condition to being placed on full life support. His skin also started sloughing off, and the doctors say they don’t know what’s causing it. They did a biopsy of the skin and are waiting for the results. So possibly if they know exactly what he caught they can treat it properly. I really really hope they can turn things around. I cannot even think about him passing away, because he means so much to me. He and my grandmother live very far from the rest of the family, and if something happens to him my grandmother will have to return to live with one of her children. I can just imagine this must be an impossible time for her. Some of my family were able to fly to be with her, I really want to go too. But the school made it clear that by law we have to have so many hours of clinical hospital time. So we cannot miss more than 3 days in the whole program, or you cannot graduate. I thought about going down for the weekend but this Monday I have to have an MRI, to check on those bone lesions they found. If he doesn’t get better by next weekend I will fly out there to stay for a few days. I’m just so thankful that my daughter got to spend more time with him in June. I flew her down to meet him for the first time when she was only 2 months old, and she had been there at least twice a year for months at a time visiting so she had become very attached to him. My son got to meet him for the first time in June. I know its a part of life, and everyone has their time to go. But right now it just seems so unexpected, he was doing fine before his surgery on Friday. I didn’t even get to talk to him before he went because I was in so much pain, from my own health problems. When I say this has been a never ending week from hell, I’m not even joking. But still each day I have to go about each day acting, “normal” for the kids, my boyfriend, the family, my classmates, my teachers. I don’t want to be a complete stick in the mud or a complete downer. Today in the psych hospital I really wasn’t feeling it. We where watching a video on the dangers and warning signs of NMS which can be a deadly side effect of anti psychotic drugs like Haladol and every time the video mentioned someone dieing or having to be put on life support i had to wipe tears from my eyes. Thank goodness it was dark in there, because behavior like that isn’t really apprioate in that situation. I’m hoping that since this week is almost over, my never ending week from hell is over and things will start to turn around. I have been in less pain lately. I also really wanted to post the pics from my surgery but I can’t find the charger for my digital camera. Anyway this is getting way too long so I will end it here. Next week will be a great week. I puting it out there, sending positive thoughts out into the universire. So that they WILL come true. Next week will be a much better week.